Death

Here's a poem that I wrote ten years ago. I gather I was envisioning death. I came in touch with my mortality back then. The things I saw and the places I put myself were not always conducive to living. Ironically I shielded those that I cared for from these horrid things so many people in my life have no clue the depths I fell to or how pleased I am that I even survived.

Blue motion, green ripplin'

the world moving in sync

Left and right, up and down

all around, running in circles, never ending

Lifes cruel laugh in pale faces

Screaming agony from deep within

Hearts shackled with no key

Darkness creeping ever closer

Cold hands touching flesh

Rotten stench laying its ugly head to rest

Rising chest for the last time
In hot breath out with none

Responsibility

Here's another selection from ten years ago. I was doing some thinking then. I truly believed what I wrote and still do and probably could add another decade of experience to it. This was when I started to grow and let go of the past. It has been a ardorous journey and every day is a new adventure.

Responsibility

Responsibility, there is a double edged word. As children we wish for resposibility as adults responsibility can be a royal pain in the ass.

I think the most important type of responsibility is the responsibility we have to ourselves. It is so easy to look away from the reality and make our own world to live in. Our actions deserve responsibility of ourselves. The important word is ours. Mine not your actions. As thinking individuals we make choices. I believe 98% of the time our decisions good or bad are those of our own device.

Then why do we choose to ignore consequences? Most likely it is a protective mechanism we use as we grow older, something to keep us from harm. As young children it could be a learning step until the first white lie begins. From this point on it may become an escape from consquences.

As maturity approaches the hardest lesson to learn is we are responsible for ourselves. What we do and how we respond shapes us and our reality. One doesn't go around with perfect adherence to this principle but respecting yourself enough to accept responsibility for ones actions can be the first step to achieving inner peace.

Life in retrospect

Because we moved into a much smaller area everything we took had to be scrutinized carefully. Was it necessary. I am somewhat a packrat, though I have been letting go a lot lately especially in the last few years. My next few blogs will contain things I wrote 10 years ago when I began a healing journey. It was the very first steps I took outside of myself to look so there is a lot of irony.

Trust Me

Trust, do you give it or do you take it? Is trust a feeling? According to Scott, Foresman, Beginning Dictionary the main themes running through all seven definitions is; belief, truth, justice, faith, rely on, hope, and duty or responsibility.

Trust plays a strong role in our lives. It is established at birth. From the moment of our first breath we inadvertently put ourselves in the trust of our caregivers. This trust is the basis of our hierarchy of self awareness. We trust in others to provide us food, warmth , and shelter as children. As we mature we usually proceed towards self awareness entrusting our caregivers, teachers and Ourselves.

It is when this trust is broken that we begin to struggle. Lies, roadblocks, stress and neglect of ones duty to others or oneself can send us in a whirlwind in search of the very basic needs of care.

Humbled

There is days when I just want to throw my arms up and say enough. It took it a lot for me to say I need help and we just can not do this any more. TJ and I moved into his parents house. Now his parents are fine, they do their thing and they are decent people. What I struggle with is I have been out on my own for 20 years, I work hard ( I have had the same job 8 years), I have an advance degree and some, I live as honest as possible (especially these last 8 years), I try to learn from my mistakes. This is a humbling experience if anything. It was the most financially sound thing for us to do. TJ has been harping me for over a year now to move out that house in town while we could and I just kept finding reasons not to.

Having to let go has been hard. I have always been pretty independent and this transition has made me step back and look at myself a minute. Cheers to my husband who stepped up to the plate when it counted and took responsibility. His support has been the best through all this. I am usually the one shouldering all the crap either because I do that to myself or the other party is irresponsible. The load is lightened and shared making this not easy but tolerable. Either way this is good thing for all parties concerned and we will find the positive and move forward.

All for Reason

Into a mothers arms a baby lies

her soft curls that donned her head

lay upon the pillow

She smiles as if some angel just

whispered a tale

The father's tears break

through one by one

marching across his cheeks

Prayers fill the air

with hope and strength

He does hear you and no prayer

will go unanswered

but understand this whatever

your faith/belief things do happen

for a REASON

It is for a REASON that

this mother does not sleep

It is for a REASON that

this father does weep

It is for a REASON that

friends pulled together

It is for a REASON that

hope and strength have weathered

It is for a REASON that

this sounds absurb

It is for a REASON that

the prayers be heard

Serendipity 2006

To Bobbie, Dave and family as they struggle with Shannon awaiting bone marrow transplant. My heart and pen goes to you. Come home soon. We miss you.