Serendipitous Beginnings

Transitions

2006-04-07T09:58:00.000-04:00

I was introduced to a new blog host. http://wordpress.com. I have moved everything here to there. I am giving it a trial run. I love the ease of presentation and things. So far it is good. Here is the link http://serendipitousbeginnings.wordpress.com. Read the About me before you get into the blog.

Another day older

2006-04-02T10:59:00.000-04:00

I remember twenty years ago when I was very excited about approaching forty someday. With one year to go I am kinda of sitting on the fence now. My reasons of excitement have been askewed. I feel a change in the wind direction on my horizon. My body is changing early and I don't know how to feel about that. I know I sure have been moody lately. I am looking forward to the big change this fall. We are moving forward with earlier plans and we are heading West. My target date is mid September but this relies on my obligations here being fulfilled. This goal feels so right and I am looking forward to change. It has been well thought out. I would say at least three plus years in the making. I just don't want to leave any broken bridges or hard feelings. It has been a difficult process of making this decision things keep popping up. Selfishly we feel trapped, but we believe there is a reason for everything. I have even had friends of twenty plus years surface. Three of them to date now. I enjoy talking to them it is great to hear that their lives are good. I may of forgotten alot events but the names and faces are still there. It is amazing how we have all grown. Well here's to another year.

Death

2006-03-27T07:37:00.000-05:00

Here's a poem that I wrote ten years ago. I gather I was envisioning death. I came in touch with my mortality back then. The things I saw and the places I put myself were not always conducive to living. Ironically I shielded those that I cared for from these horrid things so many people in my life have no clue the depths I fell to or how pleased I am that I even survived.

Blue motion, green ripplin'

the world moving in sync

Left and right, up and down

all around, running in circles, never ending

Lifes cruel laugh in pale faces

Screaming agony from deep within

Hearts shackled with no key

Darkness creeping ever closer

Cold hands touching flesh

Rotten stench laying its ugly head to rest

Rising chest for the last time
In hot breath out with none

Responsibility

2006-03-26T06:48:00.000-05:00

Here's another selection from ten years ago. I was doing some thinking then. I truly believed what I wrote and still do and probably could add another decade of experience to it. This was when I started to grow and let go of the past. It has been a ardorous journey and every day is a new adventure.

Responsibility

Responsibility, there is a double edged word. As children we wish for resposibility as adults responsibility can be a royal pain in the ass.

I think the most important type of responsibility is the responsibility we have to ourselves. It is so easy to look away from the reality and make our own world to live in. Our actions deserve responsibility of ourselves. The important word is ours. Mine not your actions. As thinking individuals we make choices. I believe 98% of the time our decisions good or bad are those of our own device.

Then why do we choose to ignore consequences? Most likely it is a protective mechanism we use as we grow older, something to keep us from harm. As young children it could be a learning step until the first white lie begins. From this point on it may become an escape from consquences.

As maturity approaches the hardest lesson to learn is we are responsible for ourselves. What we do and how we respond shapes us and our reality. One doesn't go around with perfect adherence to this principle but respecting yourself enough to accept responsibility for ones actions can be the first step to achieving inner peace.

Life in retrospect

2006-03-25T06:58:00.000-05:00

Because we moved into a much smaller area everything we took had to be scrutinized carefully. Was it necessary. I am somewhat a packrat, though I have been letting go a lot lately especially in the last few years. My next few blogs will contain things I wrote 10 years ago when I began a healing journey. It was the very first steps I took outside of myself to look so there is a lot of irony.

Trust Me

Trust, do you give it or do you take it? Is trust a feeling? According to Scott, Foresman, Beginning Dictionary the main themes running through all seven definitions is; belief, truth, justice, faith, rely on, hope, and duty or responsibility.

Trust plays a strong role in our lives. It is established at birth. From the moment of our first breath we inadvertently put ourselves in the trust of our caregivers. This trust is the basis of our hierarchy of self awareness. We trust in others to provide us food, warmth , and shelter as children. As we mature we usually proceed towards self awareness entrusting our caregivers, teachers and Ourselves.

It is when this trust is broken that we begin to struggle. Lies, roadblocks, stress and neglect of ones duty to others or oneself can send us in a whirlwind in search of the very basic needs of care.

Humbled

2006-03-19T06:19:00.000-05:00

There is days when I just want to throw my arms up and say enough. It took it a lot for me to say I need help and we just can not do this any more. TJ and I moved into his parents house. Now his parents are fine, they do their thing and they are decent people. What I struggle with is I have been out on my own for 20 years, I work hard ( I have had the same job 8 years), I have an advance degree and some, I live as honest as possible (especially these last 8 years), I try to learn from my mistakes. This is a humbling experience if anything. It was the most financially sound thing for us to do. TJ has been harping me for over a year now to move out that house in town while we could and I just kept finding reasons not to.

Having to let go has been hard. I have always been pretty independent and this transition has made me step back and look at myself a minute. Cheers to my husband who stepped up to the plate when it counted and took responsibility. His support has been the best through all this. I am usually the one shouldering all the crap either because I do that to myself or the other party is irresponsible. The load is lightened and shared making this not easy but tolerable. Either way this is good thing for all parties concerned and we will find the positive and move forward.

All for Reason

2006-03-04T12:53:00.000-05:00

Into a mothers arms a baby lies

her soft curls that donned her head

lay upon the pillow

She smiles as if some angel just

whispered a tale

The father's tears break

through one by one

marching across his cheeks

Prayers fill the air

with hope and strength

He does hear you and no prayer

will go unanswered

but understand this whatever

your faith/belief things do happen

for a REASON

It is for a REASON that

this mother does not sleep

It is for a REASON that

this father does weep

It is for a REASON that

friends pulled together

It is for a REASON that

hope and strength have weathered

It is for a REASON that

this sounds absurb

It is for a REASON that

the prayers be heard

Serendipity 2006

To Bobbie, Dave and family as they struggle with Shannon awaiting bone marrow transplant. My heart and pen goes to you. Come home soon. We miss you.

Verbal communication

2006-02-24T08:00:00.000-05:00

I am thinking that my verbal comunication sucks. I know what message I want to convey it just never leaves my mouth in the same fashion that it is in my head. It is frustrating. I write alot because I feel it is alot closer to the actual message because I can edit it. There is days I just want to pack and go because I feel it makes no difference anyway. I know this sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself but walk in my shoes for a moment. Sit in a meeting and make a very valid point after waiting paitiently and people talk over you. A day later it looks as if they ignored you because no one acknowledged you that day. Your fed up with it so you ask doesn't anybody listen that just does not work it puts people at risk and all I get is yeah we heard you we are doing something else. It really is hard to put a lot of effort in something somedays with no rest or return. I do not need acclaimations for every accomplishment. I just am feeling very under appreciated, overworked, overstressed without the ability to commuicate this effectively verbally without offended those around me. I am serious, my life has changed, no more games and I am drowning here. This sucks. I just want people to listen to me and believe me.

The written word

2006-02-19T07:25:00.000-05:00

Besides the observation of people, reading is my favorite past time. I enjoy expanding my brain if needed or taking it on a well deserved vacation since the body seldom leaves. I am pretty open minded and realize like people writing is the reflection of the author either intentional or unintentional. There is scholars, researchers, journalist and such that bring us useful information that we gobble up as true and unfallable. There is screenwriters, authors, musicians whose purpose is entertainment us or is it. For every opinion there is an opposite view. Most people do not dig below the surface and anyone with an agenda counts on that. No this does not call for mass paranoia it calls for paying attention and listen and getting all the facts. I love reading. I do not think I have never not once picked up something new to read and not learned.

With todays technology the written word is at the touch of a button follow a few simple keystrokes. I can research anything in matter of moments expand my research, refine it or just simply be entertained by others. As you now know I also am part of the written word either intentional or unitentional and millions of people have access if they so desire and type the right keystrokes.

A little diversion in life

2006-02-16T07:53:00.000-05:00

It seems you fix one thing and another thing is broke. I am on enough antiseizure medication now that my migraines are tolerable and livable. My dumb luck; I finally convinced the doctor to CT my neck. I have been complaining that I have shrunk 2 inches since in the past 15 years and I am not that old. Some of my Migraines were triggered from from the occupital region of my head (back of head, base of my neck). Arthritis causing stenosis on the spinal cord. Well that is fine and dandy except that it is causing problems. Annoying ones. I tolerate pain because nothing compares to migraines, but the numbness and the tingling in my arms, legs and now face have to go. It interfers with things I do on a daily basis. My Doctor was very concerned with its progression as I. We are both dissappointed with the neurologist I have. So he is send me to a Rehab neurologist who I have been to before. I just do not want permanant damage. The wheels of medicine can turn slow and it is not exact so frustration ensues.

WHAT????

2006-02-15T08:34:00.000-05:00

I can not believe, well I take that back I do believe that our government are hypocrites. I don't hunt, but I have had a gun in my hand and I have pulled the trigger a few times. I was instructed very clearly that I was to be in control of the gun at all times and aware of my surroundings. Now I understand accidents, but I was also taught to admit when I have done something wrong immediately not to hide it, or embellish the story just give the facts. Shame on Vice President Dick Cheney and the administration for dragging their feet on this. It only made them look more suspect. Now who needs a bugging program. Surely not the American people we seem to be left in the dark and the last to know. I have never been so disgusted with politics as I am now. Bush's administration is so busy forcing his religious and moral beliefs on the nation that the real nation continues to suffer at the hands of his policies. There is too many distractions with too many real issues here at home and we are going to pay for it. Vice President Dick Cheney just spotlights what's wrong with our administration. If it was me that shot my friend, I am pretty sure 1.I would lose my gun and license 2. A huge investigation with charges pending.

Complexity of thought

2006-02-12T11:47:00.000-05:00

I am amazed at people. My favorite thing to do is just to listen to the things they say and watch what they do. I have become a sponge over the years. I know this much I have no fight left in me. I know that I have changed. I learned a few years back if you have high expectations, expect disappointment. It has been a long couple weeks. Emotions runnning. Just when I thought the tears had come to an end more come pouring out and the memories flooded my mind. I really enjoyed the family time but the circumstances sucked. Sometimes I am not sure if I have put myself to far outside the loop and there is no hope to make it in or that is the way that is the way it is suppose to be. I feel uncomfortable imposing myself on others at this point because that's what it would have to be now the connection is just not there. Either way I just cherish the few moments I do get. I appreciate what help is there and have no expectations.

Grandpa John

2006-02-08T20:05:00.000-05:00

My emotions have been running this past week on fumes. I have finally able to make sense of things and pull things together in my mind. My grandfather passed Saturday. It was an emotional week. Out of sadness came some great stories from everyone as we shared in our grief. Today I put together this poem. I envisioned myself as a child until the moment my grandfather took his last breath. I was at his bedside just moments before singing to him and holding his hand. He had what appeared a tear in the corner of his eye. I told him I hope it wasn’t my singing that was making him cry. I excused myself and told him I loved him and he was not alone. I returned a moment later to find the angels had taken him home.

I am going to see my grandpa today and I can not wait
He has strong hands and stands tall
He makes me laugh and picks me up when I fall

I am going to see my grandpa today and I can not wait
His stories are the best.
He seems to never stop without a rest

I am going to see my grandpa today and I can not wait
His eyes are closed and there is no sound but the
Fluttering of the angels wings all around

I am not going to see my grandpa today but
That is okay because I got see the
Angels take him away
Serendipity 2006

Organized religion

2006-01-22T13:57:00.000-05:00

I guess today is good as any, being the designated holy day, to speak up about my opinions in this area. My husband asked me how could I believe as I do but did I as I did. (confusing huh) Well, my answer is I struggled for a long time with myself. I spent alot of time asking questions and searching for answers. I spent a good amount of time watching. I spent a good amount of my life time in and out of some faction of religion/church from a childhood to adulthood. I even attended a Bible college for a short stay. It was only in the last few years of observation that I have finally concluded with all my questions, watching and experience that I definitely have no use for an organized religion but I am probably one of the most spiritual people. Spiritual!!! Yes, Spiritual; I believe Kharma, Dharma, Wholistic, Nature, good,evil, pretty straight forward beliefs. I am truly thankful what I for what I have and we give thanks daily but we don't live in some fanasty world that all people must believe and think like us to be accepted by us. I only have a mans word to go by so I remember his words very well and will repeat them if I must. I have learned to let things go even though I must admit that has only been a recent accomplishment. Patience has taught me most people will hang them selves with their own actions and words and I just need to watch. It is through my beliefs that I have accomplished this inner peace with myself in that area. I do hurt but that is different ways. That is what is being done despite all my efforts it is like a small ache in my heart. I have learned not to ever expect anything and do everything. For now I will continue to walk away from all organized religion and rely on that which has never failed me, never left me and has always held me up my spirituality.

Way to go Supreme Court

2006-01-18T08:17:00.000-05:00

Make that 7-3 vote I stand with the Supreme Court that Bush overstepped his bounds when it came to Oregons assisted sucide law. Bush has overstepped his bounds several times this administration. Trying to use the Federal goverment as his puppet to carry out his personal beliefs and morals. I applaud the Supreme Court for honoring the intergity of the states and rights of the people Bushs adminstration has tried to violate. I find it hard to believe that anybody with a brain in their head says "It is okay Bush, you can tell me what to do with every aspect in my life." From birth we are branded with a number and without this number we cannot do many things. We can not go to school, can't go to work, can't drive and numerous other things that are part daily lives. I am not anti-goverment. I am against Communism and Dictatorship. Hundreds years of fighting for equality and freedom is constantly being challenged. Montgomery Gentry said it right "You do your thing, I will do I will mine."

Fear

2006-01-17T05:24:00.000-05:00

Fear is this the ultimate drive in our house in our lives. We each have a different fear that is motivating us. My husbands fear of loss of freedom consumes him somedays. In some ways it is good he recognizes his limits but in other ways it saddens me. I fear being left all alone. My husband say he is not leaving me he is securing his freedom he will be back to get me when things are safe. He has been trying to leave for years now to protect him or my son. How is this fair to me? I love my son? I do not care what they say it is not all my husband. Don't I deserve some happiness? I am stuck in the middle. My own father perserved his marriage by letting his children go, did he love us any less I did not think so. So why is this such a task. I want happiness for my son and safety.

We have 6 months before my son is an official adult. Meanwhile we struggle with all kind of issues here. I am stuck with a dilemma. I don't want to be forced to send him to his dads where I don't think it is in his best intrest. Especially with school almost done. Life sucks. Why can't we all get what we need and desire? I have worked so hard for what? I am tired of feeling unimportant. I do matter. I did exist for 38 almost 39 years. I am not crazy. Walk in my shoes I challange you.

Honesty

2006-01-12T07:16:00.000-05:00

I try my hardest to live the most honest I can in every aspect of my life. I teach this to my kids. I tell them sometimes it hurts to be honest, people don't always like it, you might not like it, but I think you will be respected in the long run. I was not always honest. I was told I am to honest to a fault now. Is there such a thing? Being honest doesn't mean perfection it means the recognition of the lack of. I am not very conventional person though I have conventional ideas. I am definitely not conservative in thought but my liberal behavior is conservatively played out. I believe I have good values and moral's rooted in reality not in some "Do as I say not as I Do". I believe in spirituality not a religion because it includes all and shuns none.

There is many challenges today for all to face. We are a society against ourselves. We have stripped our rights and freedoms away. We have destroyed that what was given to us freely. We continue to give power and feed into the rhetoric of ridiculous politics. It is a broken system. We suffer. We should not have to work this hard to have nothing. I'm not going anywhere they got me why can't they extend a hand. Maybe if I was another country upon myself. I here by claim that I am now a country and requesting arms for protection, food and shelter for comfort and money to pay my debts I owe you. Come to my rescue Big Brother come to my rescue.

Watching

2006-01-08T10:56:00.000-05:00

With the sweet we endure the bitter. I watch my children grow and develop before my eyes. Patrick is approaching manhood with full force and KC out of toddlerhood into boyhood with growing independence. I began this blog almost a year ago for purpose of communication with myself and others if they so desire to follow along. It has caused much conserversy about my own mental status or respect for others. Though I admit I have been pretty emotionally charged at times. I think I am pretty grounded. The stress of being ill is taking a toll, the stress of finances is hurting, the stress of the lack of support surely has done a number or two. The sweet of all this is what I have in these four walls the love of my kids and my husband. It is the only thing that is holding me together somedays when the it seems so dark. It is this reason we still hold our dreams and move forward despite the resistance.

Don't blink for I may be gone
Don't hold your breath for I shall not return
Serendipity 2006

Physical update

2006-01-03T14:51:00.000-05:00

I had my follow up nuerologist appointment today. Things are improving in the headache department somewhat. There still is going to be an increase in my medication because we quite haven't quite reached our goals in reduction. I am still having difficulty with fevers, lots of muscle aches and some other issues that will need to be addressed by my Internest. Both doctors feel the migraines are being fed by different sources and there is some concerning underlying issues that obviously have not surfaced yet (fevers, nauesa, ridgidness, aches and so on). Neverless I am not being physically incapacipated by my head at this moment and I am take full advantage of it. So full speed ahead because I never know when I have to coast again.

The End of another

2005-12-31T23:01:00.000-05:00

Here I sit and write in the last hour of what by far has been the worst year down to the last day, of my 38 years of life. I keep looking around with skeptisim waiting for the last nail to be driven somehow. I look back and reflect how much I have grown from the suppression and anger of all around me. I feel I have taken great strides in mental maturity. It is these small victories that keep me on my feet and standing for my rights. We each have made a journey upon ourselves and with one another. I am optimist and say only the mountain lies ahead or that is how I see it here from the valley.

With each passing moment I have learned to be; if but for a moment to enjoy what it really is to be enjoyed. Some one may have been expecting me to let you what you are suppose to be enjoying. If that is so you are sheep only to follow. I feel I have finally broken free from the herd and am making my way from the lions den.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!!!

Come and Gone

2005-12-28T20:23:00.000-05:00

The holiday has come and gone and the New Year fast approaches. I am already exhausted. I suspect it is mostly from the anticipation of things that never happened. I am very pleased with that. I see small hope but I hope it is not false hope and there is some understanding. I have been on the defense for so long I would like to just once to let go. I think I defend out of self preservation a fear of losing control of that I work so hard to put in order. It is my control mechanism. I am so tired now. I just want my son safe, supported and loved so I can let my guards down.

Christmas

2005-12-21T10:20:00.000-05:00

With the holidays approaching fast I have to wonder how merry they really are going to be? Christmas is my favorite holiday but I am not looking forward to this one this year. Things have unraveled beyond control. Well meaning "experts" asked me to give my oldest son his freedom and stop treating him like a child. Well his world is falling apart quickly. In a short 3 months he has dwindled a 700+ bank account to nearly nothing. I kept strict rein on this account only allowing necessary purchases. He has had this account since he was nine. He spent over 500 on lunch and cigarettes and such for "friends". He now lost his job due to theft. He has been stealing junk food to eat on his break, which he would of had money for. He has been in trouble at school twice now for harassment and he has been warned. I am not sure he will make it to the end of the school year because he keeps lying about it and not understanding the seriousness. He was mad because I felt custodial trades would be a better match despite the"experts". His progress report this period supports this and says that they will be concentrating on that for the rest of the year for him. I love my son and know him well. I have been very involved in all his decisions in life. I know every teacher, counselor, friend, and coach Patrick has had and has. I make Patrick my business. I never missed a basketball game, volleyball game and only a couple baseball games. I was involved in Cub Scouts with him for 2 years.

I have made mistakes I am sure of. When it comes to protecting my children and doing what is in their best intrest I don't think that should ever be questioned. Though the "experts" mean well they do not know me or my son. I have spent 18 years loving and grooming this boy into a man the best I can with what I had and what I know. I will always love him he will always be my "Peanut Butter". The toughest decision for me to make is to let my son be in the hands of someone else for the good of him. We fast approach this time and my heart grows heavy because I know he will not grow unless I let him go into this home at least for the moment. I know I can smile though because between the eighteen years of my guidance and the continuance of community support he has something that not everybody gets.

So as I finish this piece I am thankful for the support I have had with Patrick. I thank the people who heard my voice and helped me and Patick when we needed it. I thank God for giving me such a beautiful child to teach me patience, love and tolerance and may his next journey in life teach others. I thank my husband for his continuing support in the toughest of times despite his differences. I thank all the people who accept Patrick at face value and loved him as we do.

Open diary

2005-12-18T10:17:00.000-05:00

Before the hateful words fly. I reiterate that this site is like an open diary to my brain of thoughts and feelings. If you are reading this then you are having the privilage of seeing the raw honesty of what ever is taking up the space at the moment. You may say it is my unorthodox way of sharing me. Readers may not like it; they may hate it and that is okay. I write to get this out of my head, to laugh at it, reread it, study it or just get rid of it. This is my therapy, not a personal vengance board, so read it with an open mind take it as you will but remember my fundamental purpose.

Mothers

2005-12-14T11:52:00.000-05:00

I write this for my limited viewers probably more specifically for my mother. You see she was very offended by the previous post. She feels as if I exclude her in thought and include her in process so people do not know the whole story. I love my mother because she has given me life and she accepts me but, yes I am sorry there is a but, I do not have the love of a daughter for a mother like I think she wants me to have. I care deeply for her as a person and have respect for her as I think I should.

I left my mothers physical care at the age of seven. This is an image as in some movie that will never leave my mind. There is no blame for thirty years ago, there is no hate. I struggled for a few years to return to no avail. When I did return (10 years later) it was with reluctance and I was beyond the age of reasoning and angry. I spent a year trying to leave. The timing has always been bad but I believe things happen for a reason so I harbor no resentment. Though I can not just conjur up feelings that do not exist and I feel bad.

When I talk about family and they it general does exclude my biological mother. Though she makes me shake my head and sometimes laugh I don't think of her any less.

Satire- Shunning

2005-11-30T06:58:00.000-05:00

(Disclaimer: Feeling frustrated with a minimal outlet)

First my apologies to to the news cast. I am not sure what channel or who we got caught up in watching for the moment or what channel. The news anchormen was drilling a guy about the Amish practice of "shunning" as a shameful way and abusive way of punishment for nonconformance to beliefs of the group. This struck me funny and I started to laugh. I turned to my husband and I said well that explains it I am Amish but the family forgot to tell me. I have a hard problem believing in Christianity and unconditional love. My family makes a mockery of it. I have no problem what so ever believing that I am Amish, Mennoite, or Jehovah witness where "shunning" is widely used as a to way separate members.

The word shunning does not just have a religious context but it does have a strong context. No matter what way you slice it it is emotional damaging and destroys. I may of not conformed to what the family feels as their values but then again maybe I have no one has bothered to ask me. They use unreliable sources that have been shown time after time unreliable and continue to believe in them. On a average I see my parents 3 times a year, my brothers maybe slightly more. That is as much as my children see them also. We are very busy people working full-time and such. What I do not understand how can someone that sees us maybe 3 times randomly throughout the year know who we are, what is going on and understand all the dynamincs that happen between the visits? They can not. Not anymore then I can know or judge what is going on in there household nor would I. I do not remember the last time anyone picked up the phone just to say hi. I know I have many times maybe not lately. I get the big lecture it is all about the children . They do not know my children. They don't call them to say hi.

I am not a perfect person. I can be loud, dramatic and very emotional. I would never shun my family because I do not agree with them. I love them and always will. The damage is done. The past was healed its the present that is festering.

Happy "ham" day

2005-11-26T09:37:00.000-05:00

Instead of the traditional turkey dinner we went with the ham. It was filling and we all came from the table stuffed. As the end nears and I reflect back on those things that I am thankful for there is a lot of sorrow still burning in my heart. I have my husband and my two sons even though one of them is sure being disrepectful and pushy. I have a roof over my head, I have a job, I am alive. Each and everyone of these things was threatened in one way or another this last year. By far 2005 has been the most turmoil I have encountered in a long time. Let us hope and pray that 2006 brings us some relief and peace.

Sarcasm

2005-11-24T08:09:00.000-05:00

Now I am not sure if sarcasm is something you model or something you are born with. TJ and I can be pretty quick with the wit, TJ more so then me. Well our four year old. The other day he got ready for school which now with snow consists of the whole getup. Snowpants, coat, boots mittens and hat. The whole time his Dad is getting him dressed he is asking him the standard question about if he has to go the bathrooom. KC excited to go outside of course denies any urges. They head outside early to wait for the bus. KC and TJ having fun throwing snowballs and playing in the new snow when KC makes the ANNOUNCEMENT as kids do "I peed". TJ as parents do with anguish grabbed his hand and hurried for the door since the bus was moments away. With his hand reaching for the dooorknob and fury mounting he looked down and KC grinned and said "just kidding".

Toss and turned

2005-11-22T05:52:00.000-05:00

(For those that need the disclaimer: remember what's in my head needs to be out on the paper whether fictional or not) I have tossed and turned for the last couple nights because the behavior of two young girls just emphasize what I feel is smoke blowing up my ass as always. I am not perfect nor johnny on the spot. I do not ignore family when they are standing two feet from me. Not just ignore but make sure my whole body language is evident. Children do tell on there parents don't they? What happen to all the pretty words and psychology now? Love my ass. A bunch of hypocrites. I have never turned my back despite the radiating bullshit. Not one phone call as promised. The cycle continues and I let it. I can't no more I will die and I mean literally die. When I get emotional right now it still messes with me neurologically hence the reason I am trying to lay low. I don't know about you but being only 38 and not being able to talk or barely walk scared the hell out of me and I don't want to go there any more. I have another child to raise that I am sure that is being scrutinized and criticized. My children are my children they are safe and I have done the best the I can do raise them just as parents do. I don't tell anyone how to raise their children. No one pays my bills or walks in my shoes. This is just a typical American household trying to make ends meet and live life our lives not everyone else's.

Irony

2005-11-20T08:55:00.000-05:00

As of recent a friend, a peer from work was called to duty. My heart just hurts for his kids. I find it so hard to watch any coverage at all now. I fear I might see him. To drive this home even more we have a friend that went over and was shot and has been home for a while now. They are, we are, just to damn young for this. It is all so surreal. I think knowing Jon and Shaun just made this war so real to me, it is not something just over there. I never thought in my short lifetime that I would be affected by something like this.

Hearts left empty on this shore

waiting for their return

Days and nights pass by

and the tears continue to burn

Children may never know

and parents never forget

the brave men and women

who fight and die for who's debt

Serendipity 2005

Back in the saddle again

2005-11-14T09:45:00.000-05:00

Well I have completed a week of work after being off a month. What a week it was. I come back and I had a senior student to precept. A very sick patient that on the on my second twelve took a turn for the worse. I spent half of my shift stabilizing them and transferring him to CCU.
I knew I did not feel well I was living it what I did not realize is how awful I looked. People have spent all week just telling me how worried they were. Especially the day they wheeled me to the ER unable to talk. I am much better then I was but I am not 100% or sure if I will ever be again. I am not sure for the solution either. It is one of those half a dozen of one or the other. Medication that prevents the headaches from controlling me make me stupid at times. I hate this. My job requires me to think on my feet and there is time I feel I am in a time warp on these new meds but no headache.

Approved

2005-11-10T19:24:00.000-05:00

We have been approved if we choose to move forward with the house. We have some serious decision thinking now. It will depend on if we find the house we can't live without. The house on 4 acres is still an option but it just may not be our best.

Que

2005-11-06T07:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had the distinct pleasure of paying my husbands cell phone bill. I walked into the main office only to be faced with long line. Directly in front of me there stood four women; one my age, one younger and two older. I must of made some remark because they all turned to me and said welcome in unison. The next forty five minutes, yes that is right, forty five minutes I learned more about two of these women then I thought was humanly possible standing in public. As the line progressed closer to the phones I tried to occupy myself with the phone displays but with ever beep and blip eyes were on me. (Not something I wanted after forty five minutes in line) Now this office reminds me of something.....oh yeah. The public roads. They just had thousand dollars of reconstruction but there sat a bunch of empty desk like the empty orange barrels slowing us down for no apparant reason.

Free

2005-11-04T23:23:00.000-05:00

I have been headache free now for two days in a row, 48 hours. No pain at all in my head. It has taken a month vacation a whole medication change and several trips to the doctors. I have pain but lo and behold I have arthritis. I stopped taking my anti antiflammitories last Oct in prep for a possible surgery that has not happened. I started taking a non-narcotic pain med in combo with tylenol in its place. For the most part this held me off for ten months. The stress of the summer and everything else put my migraines on spin cycle. My head was out of control. I was having stroke like symptom migraines one after another with no relief.

Now I am an educated professional woman but I am also very cautious about diagnosing myself or reading to much into it. This does not mean I do not have any common sense. I am in the medical field and have some sense of what is going on. About a week and half ago after my GR ER visit I started to wean myself off my meds thinking one or more of them have to be the culprit. I was a desperate woman looking for any answer. I cut my hair six inches, I tried to practice my yoga breathing daily, I would meditate, pray anything for relief. Well two days before seeing the nuerologist I couldn't find the tylenol so I grabbed the Motrin. I got relief from the small headache and some stiffness. I think I am on to something.

Well the neurologist took all my pain meds away but two I got to choose. One I can take at work and one I can not. She started me on Topamax for migraine perventative therapy. I was to continue the my betablocker,antidiabetic and antilipid. My internist today addressed the rest of the issues the body stiffness and pain and the rising glucose numbers. Two more new meds and I am off. The positive is two of these new meds promote weight loss. Heaven knows I could use that.

House hunting

2005-11-03T18:40:00.000-05:00

TJ and I have been using our three hours of freedom to house hunt. We have narrowed it down to two. I like the the one with four acres and no visible neighbors to the side of us due to woods. It is set a ways off the road. It is about twenty-twenty five minutes south of Traverse City. The other house is in Lake Ann has one half acres and a basement. Both of them have pros and cons. We go back to the mortgage guy Thursday for paperwork so we will decide then. Stay tuned.

My mother

2005-11-01T17:10:00.000-05:00

My mother was just another toy to me. She played games...she always on the floor like she was just one of us kids. I was seven when I was taken from that. I lived with my mother that tried her darndest to teach me to be a lady and that was no easy task. I was an angry person because she was not my toy...No getting on the floor for her. Then there was a point I reached just a short time later that I just wanted a mother. I wished for my birth mother my heart cried for her. There was the women doing all the right things for the wrong person. As an adult I have two mothers but only one mother.

Where did all the people go?

2005-10-30T15:14:00.000-05:00

I live in a modest size town 14,513 people. I am astounded at the new buildings that are appearing in all corners of the city. I am just as disguisted with the empty buildings in every corner of the city. What I want to know is when these projects change residential areas into more empty buildings where do all those misplaced people go. It certainly is not in the new $200,000 condo down the street. What about recycling our buildings? It would give us more open space that people want.

Loose lips

2005-10-28T08:35:00.000-04:00

The saying "loose lips sinks the ship" is prevalent in our political arena today. President Bush and his White House staff is batting a hundred now. To think all the way from the top someone shared a little secret indiscreetly and has destroyed several peoples livelihood in doing so. Considering all the other great things going on up there on Capital Hill. Heather Miers withdraws (good for her), Ohio major republican donor Tom Noe indicted, Tom Delay and his alledged money laundering, the quick and prompt response to hurricane struck Louisiana and of course the big obvious; our young men and women dying senselessly at the hands of terriosm. He hopes for reelection? Can we recover from all this damage? I would not even think of trying to be the clean up person. Watch we will see a minority elected so they can blame their "dirty little game" on them. The government I see today is not the government I believe our forefathers had in mind. It surely was not the government they talked about in school. Do not expect people to respect the law if our own chosen leaders seem to find themselves above it all.

A chuckle

2005-10-27T18:06:00.000-04:00

This summer I talked about kids saying the dardest things. Well here is another. Yesterday my four year old was coughing then jumping up in the air while on all fours. After several of these strange happenings I finally inquired what is going on and maybe it should stop. He looked at me with the straightest face and said "I have the hippos". (Well he sounded like a hippo jumping on the floor as he was.)

Milestones

2005-10-25T17:27:00.000-04:00

As a parent we mark our childrens life with milestones. It starts at birth then the first smile, the first word, sitting up, rolling over, crawling and walking and on and on. I am proud to announce we have reached the going to school milestone with our youngest. He was so excited to go to school. We have had to drive him for a few days but tommorrow the bus is going to pick him up and he can not wait. He was so mad at me when I picked him up from school today he wanted to ride the bus. You tell a four year old no you have to wait when there it is and all his new friends are climbing on.

The unknown

2005-10-23T09:06:00.000-04:00

Nothing like the unknown to bring tension. Though I have been dealing with the unknown now for about two months and I have accepted whatever may come. Being at peace with yourself and keeping the glass half full is my resolve. I have found a new passion in art. It is a risk but it is better then giving up and doing nothing. My fate is to unwind in the next two weeks and I am ready. I have reached a point in my life when everything has come into perspective. I am not angry about what has been done but what is being done. I feel I am a person of great tolerance and patience. I accept people and things for their limitations and abilities. It is frustrating that people have expectations on others. I am who I am and I am doing nothing wrong as in the perspective of living as I know how. This is not to be mistaken for perfection but taken as a process in change. I break no societal laws and contribute what is asked of me. I refused to be cloned and ask to maintain some individuality and acceptance for this. I am very respected amoung my peers and feel that this is a cross section of our area. I refuse to continue to fall into self made guilt that is fueled by the continous misunderstanding of ones perspective.

The crisp early drive

2005-10-21T08:25:00.000-04:00

Nothing like an early morning drive. On the road at 4:30am all is dark and the crisp cold air finds its way into the layers of clothes to give me a chill. The moon dances just out of sight as we travel down the highway. The stars are sparkling behind the dark clouds. There is not many people on the road. We are making good time. Yesterday was my MRI. A week early and was I ever pleased. Though it was very uncomfortable to lie on my back for an hour but I was able to snooze a little. When I walked into the building the darkness was just on the verge of giving away to the daylight. I emerged into the bright sun as it reflected off the beautiful colors that mother nature has painted for our enjoyment.

Frustration

2005-10-19T17:25:00.000-04:00

I think the most frustrating thing about this last month is the inability for me to convey how I physically feel. The battle I have everyday with myself. I have never just sat home and not worked. It is frustrating because I have bad days and have some really good days. Good news, is one of the test has been moved up. The important one the MRI. Maybe it will explain the pain, pressure, emotional viability and give me a start so I can be back at what I do. Take care of things. There is no sense of control when you are ill. I am a people pleaser and this is exhausting right now I need help and I don't give up that part of me easy. This is taking an emotional toll on everyone. We need a break from craziness and chaos. To many things are happening and large lack of understanding and patience are making this very difficult for me to handle appropriately. I am kind of angry I am not sure why I should be handling anything. I give so much of myself I just want a little return. I am not sure what to even ask for or how because I keep such a tight rein on myself and tasks. It just doesn't feel right to need and I am having a very difficult time adjusting. I know my husband is angry and frustrated as I am. We need some us time and it just is no where to be found. I can not even manage to take my own advise that I give my ill patients and SO's. Take some time alone with one another so you can be each others strentgh. Some way God willing this change us positively I pray.

Mother Nature

2005-10-18T16:30:00.000-04:00

Despite Mother Natures natural process of packing things up for the winter I have been able to find a few beautiful things poking through the coat of brown and yellows. I have been unable to work so I have been taking pictures and organizing them. I have been painting pumpkins with my sons and doing all those things you wish you had a moment for.

Autumn Day

2005-10-17T10:23:00.000-04:00

We spent the day out in the country at the pumpkin patch and at the in-laws for a fall get together. The kids had fun running up and down the aisles looking for the biggest pumpkin. KC, TJ and I decided to tackle the corn maze while Patrick chose the 20 min hayride. About 8 mins into the maze KC turned to us with frustration and exclaimed "We are Lost". He had it, so we had to deviate from the path and cheat a little to get out. Well it was more like KC did and we had to run to keep up. KC loved the rooster that kept "boc-a-oodlein' ". Patrick thought the hayride was fun though I gave him quiet the runabout for the porta john since I forgot where I had seen it. TJ and I can not wait until we can have our own little "peace" of country.

Stand still

2005-10-15T11:08:00.000-04:00

To feel as if time stands still but zooms on by makes you ponder about your existence. To really stop and think about how small you really are but feel as if you are a big part of something greater.

Serendipity 2005

Purpose

2005-10-14T18:04:00.000-04:00

Like the tree standing all alone in the middle of the park we each have a purpose

Serendipity 2005

Patience

2005-10-13T14:10:00.000-04:00

I can not help but to wonder as the rose blooms amoung the thorns that my soul shall bloom amoung the turmoil.

Hurry up and wait

2005-10-10T12:20:00.000-04:00

It seems as if I am always waiting on someone or something. As my husband puts it "Everything is a task". Since this spring I have been looking for some way to find some inner quietness. I have turned to some meditation and breathing exercise. These take a lot of discipline and some days I just cannot seem to muster enough up. Today though I am in great need of serenity and escape from my physical being. I am going to use the above picture to lose myself in the horizon and you are welcome to join me for a minute or two.

Being thankful

2005-10-09T09:16:00.000-04:00

I am thankful every morning that my eyes open and I am able to take a deep breath. So when my dreams are shattered with the sun rise. I still can find the beauty amoungst the clouds. Somedays I feel like a musician. Some musicians in person are shy and quite and unable to say what they feel. You put a mike in front of them and their song comes forth like a rose blooming in the spring. Like them I can not always convey what is in my mind but give me the ability to pen it and manipulate it I can sing my beautiful song.

Nothing for granted

2005-10-07T15:59:00.000-04:00

I feel I am a pretty intelligent person and pride myself in the ability to help others. I have never felt some much vulnerbility as I have recently.What is going on inside of me sure has put me at the mercy of others. Today was one of the worst days. I had ataxia so bad it brought me to tears at work. I had to walk away from something I spent years training and educating to do. I was wheeled to the ER by a concerned peer where I lost it while trying to explain what was wrong. The words would not come out which made things become worse emotionally. About all I can manage to do right now is sit here and type and be on the computer and move about in my house. I am on Ativan now which controls the tremors and decreases the stuttering. It also makes me very sleepy.(downfall at time). I have edited some more photos to share. I will let you know.

Not Myself

2005-10-03T17:48:00.000-04:00

I have been just not myself for awhile and it is getting very old. A day has not gone by without these headaches. Now other things have started to happen. I look at things and want to say something about it but the words never make it to my lips, I was embarrassed when I forgot how to fill in the amount on check, I just stared at it and held up the line. I have now switched doctors and have an appointment with a Neurologist. I am not sure how to analyze this. I have made several attempts to work only to fall very ill before going or having to be sent home because I can not perform. This brings me to tears on most days. I am embarrassed because I have been stumbling, stuttering and forgetting routine things. Though I have found if I just minimize my activity and stay a head of the pain I am much happier and have moments of “normality”.

Cartoons

2005-09-28T19:57:00.000-04:00

I have always loved cartoons. They are a place to escape for a minute. Today's cartoons are not even close to what I grew up with. I love BOOMERANG because those are the cartoons I grew up with. Tom and Jerry, Flintsones, Jetsons, Pink Panther, Roadrunner and Bugs Bunny and many more. Not that todays cartoons are not good it just some of them are just out there with the violence with no valuable lesson to learn and speak a foriegn dialect. I know that Boomerang keeps my sons attention a lot longer then Nick Junior or Noggin. The only other channel that he sits still for is PBS. Though is nice to have an excuse to watch cartoons like having a kid but it would not matter to me I would still watch them, simple, entertaining and funny.

Between a rock and hard place

2005-09-27T17:29:00.000-04:00

Today I am perplexed by an article I read on CCN.com. It was about New Orleans and how a chief of police was upset with the 249 officers that abandoned their post during Hurricane Rita and it's aftermath. First of all, these are humans we are talking about, right? Men and Women who may have pledged to serve and protect but are not combat trained. Did they not have families they needed to protect and their own intrest to look after? I not sure about you but I would not function very well at work knowing that my loved one may be lost out there in mother natures fury nor would I be able to function knowing that my place of safety and sanity may be (or is) under water. These officers face a tribunal for their actions. WOW, heaven forgive me that my family and me are more important then any job. I work because society gives me no choice if I want to have some safety and sanity, even it is meager, there is greedy hand expecting some type of restitution. There is days though walking away is so appealing. A place where I am not shushed for my beliefs, somewhere politics are never spoke of. Don't tempt, I may go.

Clarity with time

2005-09-26T16:42:00.000-04:00

It is amazing with passing time that clarity of behavior becomes more apparant. I spent twleve years in a relationship of deception and trapped with low self esteem. I can say I walked away from that bitter and cautious. Most of that being subconscious. When I met my current husband, I was not looking for a relationship matter of the fact it was the furthest thing from my mind. What happened over the next few months was ochrestrated by something beyond our control. He remembers me from the age of nine unfortunately I do not remember him. I went to school with his Aunt and Uncle (he is only 4 1/2 years younger then me). I met his mother and was reaquainted with his Aunt just two months prior to even knowing of his existence. It was after talking one day we connected everything. He had lived in the same area in Traverse City off and on for the last twenty years that I had resided in, since this is officially my second time back since I first move to GR. Our time together become progressive more often and longer. It was amazing it was if we were puppets of someone elses play. Some how we both knew we belonged together. He asked me to marry him after three months I think this startled him as much as it did me but for some reason it just seemed right.

In the midst of planning a wedding I became pregnant. This was a total shock to me but a delight to him. How could this be I was taking birth control, though I had just been sick and doing an antibotic series? I had just seen the doctor. Like me TJ has the belief things happen for a reason. I was just struggling with this because things were happening way fast. Now this five and 1/2 years has not been peaches everyday we both have a lot of baggage and trust issues. Though I do have to say that TJ and I are best friends and have weathered some pretty tough situations. Everyday we let go of our insecurities and put our trust in one another a little deeper. We live as if we only have one another and our kids.

Truth

2005-09-25T09:48:00.000-04:00

My whole life I was told to tell the truth, lying is bad. Well I do not lie I am pretty straight forward. What I want to know is why nobody can handle the truth? At the very least why is my preceptions discounted? Though we live amoungst others we function and develop memories seperate from those around even though the scene is the same. We are each affected by that which we are exposed to a diferent way. I can only answer to what I have experienced though I have the ability to remove myself and have the most needed empathy in some cases. Part of my education at work is about diversity. Diversity is not just about race, sex, or ethnic background. It is about accepting people for who they are and their limitations and strengths. We each process things different hence the glass half empty, half full; you say tomato I say tomatoe.We each need to STOP and remember that our preceptions drive us not others.

One too many

2005-09-22T13:54:00.000-04:00

Damn, I thought the headaches were gone. Nope I was rudely awaken at 4:30 am to a sharp distinct pain on the left side of my head. Like a machine I arose, went to the bathroom, drank some water, grabbed a glass of milk and headed for the cupboard. I produced two vicodin for the hopeful relief. I again was awakened at 10:00 with the jabbing reminder of it's presence. Same routine but now its 2 vicodin, 1 tigan, 1 corgard, and a prozac. 5 mins of inhalation therapy and finally I do not care about the pain. It is still there but I do not care. The picture is a result of not caring.

The rest of the trip

2005-09-20T17:11:00.000-04:00

The light between the trees

2005-09-20T16:40:00.000-04:00

We went for a beautiful drive and this is just one of the beautiful views we saw. The awesome power of the trees with the sun shining through gives you perspective on what a small but significant part of the universe.

Hostage

2005-09-16T09:56:00.000-04:00

Some nights my husband and I just sit and chat about what ever comes to mind and run with it. Last night I was telling him it is easy to forgive people for things they have done or I precieved had done. I have difficulties understanding why people forget the path they had traveled this far in life. I do not think we have to wear a sign describing all our indescretions and accomplishments but I feel that we should embrace them mentally as we walk our narrow path of life. How far back into our past sould we go? I think the age of reasoning, which is different for each of us. We should use these experiences as a template and a reminder of how complicated life can become. People argue that we must take in account our family history. I don't argue that but instead I respond that we are hostage to our genes but have the capability to develop our own history within the confines of genetics. It is resonable to have future goals but one must be flexible in thought and deed because to rely on these goals as rule may take you down a path of deadends.

The path we travel is narrow and winding

We insticntively follow that what lies in front of us

Some forget and close each door and throw away the key

Serendipity 2005

Reflections

2005-09-11T18:17:00.000-04:00

My head just hurts. The Dr says it is one of two things. Since I have a history of migraines he thinks that my migraines are cylcing and he is hoping to stop them with some new drugs. He gave me something for the pain a little stronger the tylenol 3 and something for the nauesa and a new beta blocker. Unfortunately I am unable to work while on the meds so I am off on medical leave for a moment. The other thing he says it could be is a pseudotumor ceberi. Intercranial hypertension. It acts like a brain tumor. All I know is I feel as if I am standing on my head at all times. There is lots of pressure in my skull. The pain follows after a period of pressure or if I put my head a certain way. The drugs keep me pretty doped up but nothing helps the pressure go away. I am just looking for relief now. This is like the worse sinus infection, head cold, nauseating thing you can imagine. I try to stay in touch.

Migraine

2005-09-08T08:18:00.000-04:00

What started out to be a nagging headache for the last eight days turned into a raging migraine. I hate when it gets that bad. It is like giving birth in your head. Waves of pain and nausea. I lose all control. I become hypertensive, diaphoretic and tearful. My husband rushes me to the hospital for the magic cocktail. I lose a day everytime this happens. I am miserable before the ER then I am snowed for the rest of the day. Yesterday is the first time in a year and a half since I have had to be rushed to the ER because of my migraine got out of control. Nothing like embarrassment. Half dressed, unshowered dishelved women crying out in pain with the dry heaves. Nothing like the sting of IV being inserted in your hand because your so tense they can't find any other start. Nothing is sweeter then medicine taking you to another plane where there is no pain or nausea just sleep, deep sleep. Better living through pharmaceuticals.

Great America

2005-09-05T10:10:00.000-04:00

I am not going to reprint this article but I could of not of said it better. It is another example on how our government is all about the show. Like these victims I believe in the inherent good in people but won't hold my breath because seeing is believing. Keep preaching the choir has left the building.

Click the link "Great America" or Link on the bottom.

A mothers story

2005-09-05T06:54:00.000-04:00

Becoming a mother is a blessed event. The first time I discovered that I was going to be a mother I did not feel very blessed. I was twenty years old. My lifestyle choices at the time were not very conducive to motherhood. I was going to Bible College at the time. I just recently came from a halfway house where I spent six months in lieu of jail time. I had violated my probation for being picked up intoxicated in a public place. Not only was I intoxicated but I was a minor and violated my probation. A few weeks prior, I was found guilty for attempted breaking and entry. I was on the fast track of destruction and not willing to turn around anytime soon.
I sat in the dorm bathroom trying to remember when my period was. I was sure I should have had it by now besides I was taking birth control pills. I thought back to several weeks prior when I had been with my on again off again boyfriend at a Halloween party. My girlfriend and I dressed up as hookers and my boyfriend was our pimp. We went out trick-or-treating. We went back to my girlfriend’s house where we drank for a while then crashed. That had to be the night I conceived my son. I was exhausted, going to school full time and just recently applied for a managerial job at the mall. I had no insurance, no steady income as of yet and I was at a Bible College.
I approached Planned Parenthood with the up most caution…….

My little Red Rooster

2005-09-04T06:00:00.000-04:00

I live in the middle of town and I have a live in rooster. He is going to be four years old this month. Just when I am sleeping good I hear the rooster crow. "MOM,MOM". Oh please let it be noon. No the sun has just risen over the horizon and awoke my little red rooster.

Christianity.....not

2005-09-03T08:45:00.000-04:00

I do not want to make a clear declaration of atheism because that is not what I am about. I have beliefs that are rooted in spiritual thinking not necessarily Christianity. In this household we pray a lot mostly giving thanks for what we do have. My experiences have shaped my spirituality. My observations have invaded my thoughts. When people claim they are Christians or of some religious sect I have learned to scrutinize this carefully. What I was taught and I believe is far from what I see. It is my understanding that Christianity is about unity, forgiveness and love. There is only a small portion of the claimed Christians that fit this description. I have met true atheist that have more unity, forgiveness and love. Christianity is rooted in deep family values. I have seen the most dysfunctional families in the world claim and live as if they were Christians.

I do not understand this. I believe in simplicity. Strip away all the riches, greed, thoughts and equalize the belief system and you have equality. People wonder why their children rebel. They are the most opened minded, uncorrupted part of society that is confused by that which is preached and that which is lived.

Greed

2005-09-01T09:30:00.000-04:00

Devastation has no limits. New Orleans rich and deep in history and culture has been rendered helpless. Almighty Mother Nature has left a devastating calling card that has left the poor much poorer. Sadly a lot of these people have resorted to looting local businesses and their unfortunate neighbors. I am willing to bet 50% of the looters are doing this out of survival. Some of these people had very little and now they have nothing.

This always tugs at my heart. I find it hard to understand why millions of people have to continue to live in poverty while things become more unavailable to them due to politics and greed. I don’t support people that don’t make some efforts in taking responsibility in their lives, but for those that come against walls at every turn because they make too much money (by whose standards), not enough education (that is expensive), limited transportation or no support. This country is stewed deep in Capitalism which exploits a majority of the country. There is a select few that control all the resources. With our knowledge in technology and such I feel there is no excuse for the growing population of poor. We should be united. Our greed and selfishness is to blame for economic devastation and political irresponsibility.

I have worked without fail for twenty two years now. I have lived in poverty a good part of it and it was not always from a lack of trying. I have been told I make too much money. I only had enough to survive, my bills were paid and we ate. There was no saving for emergencies which could take me several months to recover from. I finally got my education and I am still paying for that. Today at least we can save for emergencies but the amount is minimal and back to back crisis really brings us to a stand still. Recovery is quicker then it used to be. I don’t want something for nothing but I believe our efforts should be recognized and we should make it a daily practice to share the wealth and comfort.

Gas prices

2005-08-31T19:03:00.000-04:00

I am just astounded at these gas prices like I am sure most of the country is. I just think about the trickle effect downwards and I get real nervous. It really wants me to pull out of society for a very simple life. I can walk to work or ride my bike and I do this from time to time if KC is not going to daycare. My husband can not escape gas prices his livelihood depends on it. Since beginning of summer he has been on the negative side a majority of the evenings this is including weekends. We have to eat. I have always been pretty resourceful when it came to saving money on groceries since I plan my meals. I am sure groceries will be affected; someone has to pay the gas for the food to get there. Convenience is costing us an awful lot. I understand economics but I am having a really hard time accepting the politics.

The Circle of Life

2005-08-28T12:58:00.000-04:00

Everyday at work I see the tough decisions families have to make regarding there loved ones. I get asked a lot what would I do. I have to remind them this is a personal decision but I will answer any other questions they have. My patient the other day was a 68 year old man with progressive dementia and he is affected mostly by sundowners. This happens when the sunsets. Some elderly are profoundly affected by nighttime causing hallucinations and delusions that can become harmful to them and others. It can be very depressing and upsetting to their loved ones. Generally I find that they are much milder at home because it is a familiar environment so family has a tendency to be in denial of problems

This patient wandered from the home and was missing for over a half day. He almost died. While in our care we had to us soft restraints to keep him safe he was very impulsive and agitated. His wife and daughter were extremely upset that restraints were used especially the daughter. I spent a good hour talking to the wife about her options and what we had observed in the last 24 hours. She was saddened by the fact that the best option for her husband of 30+ years was more then likely a nursing home. I reinsured her that feelings of sadness, anger and guilt are all appropriate. The daughter on the other hand is convinced that if her mother remodeled the house it would be more accommodating and he can come home. I did have to speak up on my patients and spouses behalf. This daughter only lives here in the summer and she wasn’t even willing to stay the night with him so restraints dodo not have to be used. I gave her the same talk I gave her mother hoping for a change of mind.

She did change her mind and I was grateful for everyone’s sake. Nursing homes are not always the best option but if there is no support. Safety becomes an issue.

Thinking

2005-08-25T16:12:00.000-04:00

I have been doing nothing but thinking and I believe sometimes this is my own sabatoge. It has been a very difficult month for me emotionally. I have seen three professionals and several non-professionsals looking for some validation for the way I feel. Despite a resounding yes over and over. I am struggling with this. I am not sure why. How is it the one that is the most psychotic blemish in society can not understand others lack of acceptance? It just blows my mind how despite constant change most people have very little flexibility or tolerance when it comes to humans. Most people will accept an upgrade in technology that supposely makes their life "easier" but unwilling to see and accept the social changes therefore limiting the positive abilities in people. There is nothing wrong with a challenge it helps us grow but the challenge must be attainable by the individual in order for them achieve benefits. Unrealistic goals and challenges further impairs ones emotional capabilities in turn reinforcing low self esteem.

I have always been a big fan of Maslows Heirarchy of Needs it is simple and just seems to be common sense. http://web.utk.edu/~gwynne/maslow.HTM I am far from being a professional psychologist, social worker or such. I am a professional. I am a nurse and I have advance critical thinking skills and training that allow me to treat my patients holilistically. I am part of larger team of people including Doctors, Social Workers, Nutritionist, Therapist, Clerical, Support, Technologist and on and on. We work together learning from one another what works. These people rely on my assessment physically, mentally, and socially of a person to support diagnosis and treatment. Despite the disrespect for my postion that I sometimes hear from complete ignorance, Nursing is a tough job and it is not all about pill pushing and babysitting. I spend long hours trying to eliminate my position through education and support. Peoples lives depend on my ability to think rationally and with their best intrest. Due to most peoples inability to accept change my job is safe and in high demand. I know for a fact I am not one of those nurses that patients ask not to come back, Peers look for me to help solve technical and nursing decicions, I am flexible and willing to take a challenge. People may talk about me but I am pretty confident it is not because of lack of skills or professionalism and I am flattered when people seek me out for help especially those that have been nursing longer then me.

I was told after two hours of psychological testing my faults are my best strengths and make me a reliable and good nurse. I have the tendancy to be extremely independent which I am trying to tone done a little. I am person with empathy for others but suffer a lower self-esteem due to my inability or willingness to let others help me. I second guess my capabilities instead of accepting them and letting them speak for themselves. I am passive-agressive a good amount of the time which I recognize and are making changes in my behavior slowly. My mind still races constantly and I have several things on my plate at any given time. I chuckled as I watched my youngest child. He can be absolutly exsaperating. His energy levels are at extreme high levels. I chuckle because he is me. I am going to find a way he can keep this spirit and thrive and not have to wait thirty eight years before he realizes he is okay and he can accept his individuality as his strengths.

The bliss of silence

2005-08-23T08:25:00.000-04:00

What is that I hear? Nothing but the tapping of my fingers on the keys. I crave these moments of stillness. I steal them away when the opportunity rises. I feel as if my walls are caving in somedays. I am suppose to be stepping out into the world not the world invading my space. I have very little time to process situations that arise when another comes down the pipes. I refuse to sit here and be a victim of circumstances. I am brainstorming or at least fantasizing peace for rejuvenation.

Walking amongst the Rainbow

2005-08-17T10:37:00.000-04:00

Walking amongst the Rainbow

Where will this path take us?
It’s door full of color and beauty
Each step we fall in deeper amongst the rainbow
The sunshine begins to fade
And the colors begin to shine

Serendipity 2005

New Bike

2005-08-16T08:30:00.000-04:00

Watching your child ride a new bike brings absolute joy to your heart. It is even more heartwarming to watch a father run lovingly along side his son. With each pass in front of the house KC grew more confident and pedaled faster and TJ grew tired but had a huge smile from ear to ear as if he passed an all important milestone. KC loves what most little boys love. Bikes, parks and sprinklers. Boy he is going to hate for the summer to end because he hates being cold.

Going to the park

2005-08-11T20:21:00.000-04:00

KC's all time favorite thing to do is going to the park. Every time we pass a school or a house with playground equipment it is "KC go to park". Thankfully we have three elementary schools within walking distance. We occasionally take him to the Civic Center to ride his bike and run with wind.

Today we went to one of the elementary schools. We went Central Middle
school which is really the neighborhood elementry school. They have two divided playgrounds, one for lower grades and one for upper elementary. I like this playground because there is alot of benches to sit and watch him have the time of his life and they have a beautiful garden with flowers and vegetables. I could see a couple red tomatoes poking out through the vines, the corn was way above our heads, the bright yellow blossoms on the squash shook in the light breeze. The purple Holly Hocks made there way up the teepee of wood. KC's laughter and enjoyment made everything that much more beautiful.

Week of full moons

2005-08-10T17:15:00.000-04:00

I have had quite a week at work. I have never seen so much drama in one location. The patients and families both contributed to the craziness. Now top this off with the biggest communication breakdown I have seen in the seven years I have been there. I just kept gravitating towards my patients that had a calming aura. It got so crazy that as I went to the clean utility room to get a blanket and asked the two aides if it has been a full moon every day and night. They just laughed but I got a bigger laugh when I came out and headed back to my room. There it was, there stood and elderly patient with the back of his gown wide open. There was my evidence. A FULL MOON.

Just have to laugh

2005-08-06T10:10:00.000-04:00

Wow, what a whirlwind two weeks. We tapped out all our emergency funds and some during the last two weeks. On Thursday all I could do was laugh. The tears just wouldn't come. We drove our questionable safe van 180 miles to attend a funeral. We were doing great on time then the first bump came. An oversize loaded truck backed up traffic on M-37 for miles and of course it was not anywhere near a passing lane and when you could pass, traffic was heavy the other way. Bump. The second stop came with an abrupt and shrilling announcement from the back seat. "I have to go to potty, pleeeasseee." Thank God a rest stop a mile away. We pulled in and KC forgot all about potty for a moment. "It's a park, KC play". NO, we are in hurry. As we approached the toilet, KC is announcing to everyone he has to go to potty. Then he was overly concerned that there was no way to flush the toilet. Five minutes later we emerge to a new announcement. "I went potty, no flush." This brought a few chuckles from nearby picnickers. On the road again. Smooth driving until the Eastbeltline and I-96. A car accident slow us down to a crawl.

Finally we pull into Graceland. Patrick and I make a beeline inside. We are late but Chucky (cousin) gives up his seat and we are there for the last five minutes. Apologizing for our lateness I give my regards and hugs to the family. We tell Patrick we will pick him later that night he can go spend time with his family. It is now close to three and we are getting hungry. To conserve gas I decided we better stay on the NE side of GR. We head over to Alpine the long way around since there is major traffic backups on Eastbeltline. We choose the Olive Garden with some hesitation because of our busy little toddler. I promised a visit to Toys-R-Us if he behaved. That seemed to work. We are seated towards the back with one other party. Barely there KC needs to go to potty again. So off we go. He was thrilled with the ability to flush the toilet though it did scare him a little. Back to the table with the loud announcement to anyone who would listen. "I went potty and flushed". The table next to us started laughing.

Lunch comes. It was pretty good. KC is picking at his fries and chicken. Just as I was ready to take my last bite I look at KC in time to watch him spit out his chicken then proceed to vomit all over the table, himself and the floor it just kept coming. The dining area came to a dead silence and all eyes were on us and there was a few ooos,yuck. I take KC to the restroom and clean him up and change his clothes. I stood there and just laughed. What in the world is going on someone just came along and pulled the rug out from underneath us? All cleaned up we head back to the table to pay the bill. Yes another announcement. " I choked my chicken, aaack". I apologized to the rest of the patrons and staff and made our way out. I took KC to Toys-R-US as promised. We picked Patrick up a few hours later and headed home. What a sense of relief back to my sanctuary of safety. It is uphill from here.

Coming a long ways

2005-08-03T08:04:00.000-04:00

In 1993 I sought out counseling with a physcologist in Grand Rapids. I eventually became part of a study group of people diagnosed with manic-depression or bipolar. I was given some medication to help control some of my wide mood swings and spent 2hours a week in group therapy and 1 hour with one on one. This lasted 12 weeks. The medication stabled my moods but I lost the battle with stress because I disregarded my new founded coping skills. I stop taking my medication abruptly and did not deal with my immediate responsibility.

Since then with a lot of reflecting and self imposed rules I went back on my medication and back into therapy. This was in 1994. I stayed on my medication until 1998 and worked on my coping skills. In 1999 things in my life were getting crazy I was going to school full time and working and trying hard to be mom and dad. I gave in to the craziness a begun to spiral down the difference now is I reached out. I started to go to AA. I don't believe that I am an alcholic but I do believe that I needed the support and fundamentals that AA taught me. Three months in is when I had a epipthany of sorts. It was as if someone finally released all the information that every counselor, psychologist or social worker had shared with me in remarkable clarity. I began my journey to healing. It has been a bumpy road and I still have a few things to conquer but despite these demons I think I have come a long ways.

I believe in honesty and frankness and work very hard to practice this an a daily basis. Both my husband and I do. We made some very poor decisions in our short lifes and despite society we have paid for our sins. The sad thing is we are still scrutinized with every move by few. We wish someone would give us a timeline of forgiveness. Despite this we move forward and find strength in one another. I think the big difference today compared to 5 years ago is I am more willing to listen I just want the same respect.

Why do I share this? There is lots of speculation. It is easy to assume that nothing has changed. A whole lot has changed including me. I am not perfect. I am not willing to give up my identity but I am willing to define it. I again repeat that this blog is just a glimpse of my mind. To see it written alows me to manipulate it, change it, improve it or remove it. This is my way of sharing without all the emotion tangled up in the words.

Sadness

2005-08-01T08:58:00.000-04:00

Today is marked with some sadness but some relief. My sons grandpa passed away today. This is my ex's father. He was 77 years old. He had a good life. I know this because he told me this about 12 years ago. He said when it was his time to go he was ready. What I don't think he was ready for was the passing of his oldest son Patrick in an occupational accident, his wife to a long battle of cancer and his youngest daughter unexpectedly to a brain aneurysm. He lost his battle with cancer but now gets to be with his wife, son and daughter. He leaves here on earth a brother and sister, two daughters and two sons and several grand children and hundreds of good friends. Patrick Wooly Palmer was an honest man full of compassion and humor he will truly be missed. May God take another angel into his fold.

Happy Seventeenth

2005-07-29T08:19:00.000-04:00

Seventeen years and 7 hours and 16 minutes ago I became MOM. It is hard to believe that my son is fast approaching adulthood. He is a great kid and is very kind. He loves to help people and does his job with 150% of his effort. This next year will be busy filled with future plans, senior pictures and graduation. One to eighteen and one to go.

Emotions

2005-07-28T09:26:00.000-04:00

This last week has been a hurdle for me. My emotions have been all over the map. I am not sure if I am up or down. I am exhausted and emotional drained. My son became very ill and required hospilization to help stabilize him. This illness brought my whole family together in an emotional turmoil. There sure is a big lack of communication. Over the years I have isolated myself for whatever reason. Several poor decisions that I had made cemented the separation. Though these last five years I have been working on changing for the better. I put myself through college. I am less then 10 credits shy from bachelors degree in Social Science I just am little busy being mom, wife and a nurse. I have used this blog to express my feelings or perceptions as a way to get them out of my head. Some of the blogs are not very flattering and attack my families character. Despite my anger and spiteful spirit I love my family and would give anything for them. This blogging has in sense been therapy though I am willing to admit I should seek out some personal therapy for some private issues that I will not post. I have found it always easier to write then talk, my tongue gets in the way. I am ready for healing and progress.

Heart strings

2005-07-21T21:36:00.000-04:00

This has been the most stress I have felt in a long time. It seems as my breath was just knocked out of my sails. I believe there surely is a greater power at work in my life and I am truly saddened that it had to come to this point for me to be awake. I am truly exhausted and have no fight left in me. My children are my life. My husband and my family are my strength. I am not sure I am going to stand on my two feet because to watch my child disintegrate in front of my eyes as I stood there helpless in my selfish pride has brought me to a humble state of mind. I pray that this is the healing process for all.

DADDY'S TEARS

The day I felt my daddy's tears made me cry

Dads are to be tall and strong but mine has crumbled to the ground.

I made my daddy cry today I can hear his sigh

He is a prideful man that has taught me right from wrong

Without my daddy I would not be here today

So God hear this prayer, wipe his tears and keep him strong

Good morning hot one

2005-07-18T07:51:00.000-04:00

As the sunrise I awaken in a pool of sweat. Never mind the two fans I have blowing on me right now. The humidity here in Michigan is just rentless. Our lack of rain has turned my yard into a hayfield. What little sprinkles we do get just up the ante for the heat index. As we speak it is 76 degrees out and very few clouds in sight. It was quiet, suddenly everyone and the world that surrounds me awakes so I must go now and join the chaos.

WHY????

2005-07-17T17:49:00.000-04:00

A little something from last weeks airshow.

Serendipity 2005

Family Divide

2005-07-17T07:17:00.000-04:00

I was quite intrigued but surely not suprised at the the family divide yesterday at the family reunion/grandpas birthday. There was tension the moment we arrived and it was never hidden. Though united at mealtimes it is obvious this is a family of different values. I loved seeing everybody especially since it had been 13 years since I had seen some of the people and had the oppurtunity to meet new faces. Because no one really addressed us unless they came to us face to face I had plenty of time to observe. I felt as if I could been invisible and that would be okay. This was not a matter of me not trying to apporoach them it was more like them causually avoiding us.

I care....Not

2005-07-15T20:09:00.000-04:00

I am not sure why today but then I never really am sure why I am acutely aware of the changes in me. I believe we truly live on a continuum that which some of us are aware of each step. To me it is my inner voice that makes the annoucement loud and clear.

I think how we feel about what other people think is like a loud sign saying "You are Here Now". For me when the lesson is learned I am again confident in who I am and don't feel the need of approval. When I struggle with a life lesson I feel insecure so I feel the need of comfort. I find with each step I am holding on to the confidence a little longer and the insecurity a lot less. I think that I have begun another journey because today I reached a check point.

Let me Have Fantasy

2005-07-12T09:34:00.000-04:00

I just finished reading a news article that got me a little annoyed. A women is going to use the Harry Potter series to teach a summer program about chemistry and fun. As always there is opposition. Christian groups feel that J.K. Rowling promotes sorcery with her books. First of all I respect these groups feelings. What I do not agree with is that J.K Rowling is some evil deviant out to corrupt the minds of children. I am an avid reader and have read the Harry Potter series and can not wait for the next installment. From a very young age children are taken to the library and explained the difference between fiction, nonfiction, autobiography and documentary. Maybe these Christian groups better go to the library for their own explanation of written genre.

I read non fiction fantasy to escape the cruel reality of life. When I pick up a book it allows me to emerge myself in another world whether it be Hogwarts castle or on a wild adventure to break the DaVinci code. I keep in mind that this is book a source of entertainment. If the authors did not weave in life like reality how would your alter conscience engage in the fantasy of the whole thing. If I want to the facts of something I don't pick up books that say Science fiction, fantasy, or fiction. Books are a great alternative to what is on the TV today. With today's in your face news and shows that exploit the news. I feel an already intense world becoming an unattended bomb. Remember books are the works of man/woman and we should feel a privilege of being able to see the inside some of the greatest minds.

Main Entry: ficÂ·tion Pronunciation: 'fik-sh&nFunction: nounEtymology: Middle English ficcioun, from Middle French fiction, from Latin fiction-, fictio act of fashioning, fiction, from fingere to shape, fashion, feign -- more at DOUGH1 a : something invented by the imagination or feigned; specifically : an invented story b : fictitious literature (as novels or short stories) c : a work of fiction; especially : NOVEL2 a : an assumption of a possibility as a fact irrespective of the question of its truth b : a useful illusion or pretense3 : the action of feigning or of creating with the imagination

The Summer

2005-07-11T18:24:00.000-04:00

The heat of summer wages on. The back the school stuff begins its apperances. Even though I worked retail for many years it still throws me off when I see how the seasons are rushed in by the greed of the marketplace. It will be another month and winter coats will be available for layaway. It is a wonder that there is a set defined time left. You would think with all this technology and advances we would have a moment to rest. Not true unless you take it for yourself. I honestly think I forgot how to relax and take time for me. I am so busy working full time, raising kids, being a wife, doing what is right that I forget what is right for me. Though I am pleased with a lot of things in my life lack of time is my biggest disappointment. I have to work there is no getting around it though I am still looking for that dream job, I love my kids and have fun playing with them but would love to find time without them, being a wife is something I squeeze in there and feel I like I do not get to do it enough. Doing what is right, for who? As the tick of the clock fills the day I sit and try to figure how to get few tocks back.

Happy Birthday

2005-07-08T19:41:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to my brother! 34 years young today. Thats a guy if he would stop a minute and remember where he has been and what his choices lead him to, would be one helluva guy. I love him regardless and wish him only the best!! Happy Birthday Brian!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reunion

2005-07-07T16:53:00.000-04:00

Nothing like seeing someone after 25 years to make you think about who you have become. After waiting for summer my moment came. We stood there wondering if we were one another. My best friend from ninth grade there amoungst the hundreds of people and loud music in the ever popular open space. She still had her big smile and infectious laugh. For an instant it was like junior high all over again. Then reality hit we are 25 years older no longer new teenagers but making a fast approach to midlife. Watching her and another classmate really made me reflect on who I am today. I sure have taken a journey in my short life time. I have experienced things I could of done without but have made me who I am. As the music played on I just sat there in a daze reflecting continuously. I watched the people interact around me as if I was an invisible observer. I really enjoyed the company but somehow felt disconnected from the whole scene.

Festival Galore

2005-07-04T22:24:00.000-04:00

Here we are celebrating another Fourth of July. Here in Michigan it is festival galore. The famous Cherry Festival attracts people from far away. It makes it next to impossible to move around the streets. The Charlevoix Venetian Festival begins in a week they have a great time and good food. Gaylord has a great Alpine Fest lots of music and events to enjoy. If you are traveling in West Michigan at the end of July stop in Grand Haven for the Coast Guard Festival they have great light show at night. If you like to laugh and hear great stories head over to Flint next week for the Michigans Storytellers Festival. If you like music and you are in the southwest part of the state head over to Kalamazoo for their Blues Festival. For a blast from the past stop in Novi for the 50's Festival. Check out the link if you are going to be vacationing in Michigan or are just looking for something to do.

Sexual predators

2005-07-03T19:51:00.000-04:00

As a parent my immediate thought process and gut reaction is to exterminate all sexual predators especially those that rob the innocent, children. I am sure this would be the first words out of my mouth if it was my child. As a person who values what little freedom and privilege I have left in this world I must think my next thoughts through clearly. Law or rules are made for the extremist, those who can not seem to live in respect with others. The real kicker is those laws and guidelines cover everyone and I mean everyone. I agree with the GPS warning system for offenders and I believe that being informed is our right as citizens living amongst the free. Colonies I do not agree with, "strength in numbers".

When it comes to writing new legislation can we leave emotion out? What is good for the whole must not infringe on one another. There is very few "black and white" cases just a lot of grey. Whether we like it or not "money" is going to make this law not rational or forethought. I want to stop these senseless murders as bad as those victiminized by them because it could be my children next but we must proceed with caution. This is suppose to be a country were the little people have a voice. This little person says punish them as they should be but let us not react to their horrifying behavior but act in accordance to that which takes in the facts. It is my understanding that if my husband and I , two legal consenting adults are caught having sex in a public place such as our car in a roadside park we would have to register as sex offenders because it is considered lewd behavior. Neither of us are threat to society or children just horny. New legislation can not be all encompassing but must neverless cover holes. I will keep my ears opened for that which I am sure is sitting in draft on someone's desk as I type. Write your congressman with logical ideas not barbaric.

Love of Nature

2005-06-29T19:03:00.000-04:00

Above is the lovely plant my parents gave us for our anniversary in April. I stopped hanging plants on my front porch because my love of nature made it difficult to evict its yearly resident. Below you see her and one of her two fledgings. They are gone now and so is the plant. But I have the picture forever.

Natalie Hollaway with or without drama

2005-06-26T19:50:00.000-04:00

Here is the newest tragedy that has my undivided attention. First and foremost my prayers go to the family of Natalie. I have listened and read many different sources that are reporting this. I much rather read because I get a little annoyed when a reporters personal opinion comes out during a broadcast. I believe it is there job to report not convict. If as a nurse I didn't keep my opinion away from the bedside some of my patients would not recieve the care they need. Of all the people FOX News has Geraldo Riveria reporting for them in Aruba. I lean a little closer to CNN for broadcast because they seem to have less drama more story. Not everyone on FOX is dramatic just a few. It is sad case that may never see justice along with the million more that just do not get reported or have the money flow for greasing the political squeaky wheels necessary to get attention. Though saddened that a young girls life may have come to an end I am more saddened with the state of our economy, our political leadership, our drive to increasing demands causing stress induced illness and deaths and our overwillingness to ignore it all and turn our backs on those who don't.

Hindsight and kids

2005-06-21T08:20:00.000-04:00

It is amazing how hindsight and kids can help you understand your parents better. Though it doesn't say everything they said and did was right it just gives you a better understanding. I look at my children and I hear my mouth in my seventeen year old and I see my drama in my three year old. The hindsight helps keep me grounded and realize that they are just children and I myself put my parents through their own challenges. It is time for me to rise up to the challenges and hopefully the way I handle and solve them will be the basis for my children to pass on.

Unpersonalized Service

2005-06-20T20:20:00.000-04:00

Is human contact in our service industry becoming obsolete. There is a machine pretty much for everything. At the grocery store I can check out my own groceries and bag them. I can buy a soda to fill on my own. I can buy stamps from a machine. I saw a instant ticket lottery machine. In my opinion you buy your house to get away from people but when I go to the store and I am giving up the amount of money that I spend I expect to be waited on. These machine are another form of outsourcing. Several young people were displaced when our grocery store introduced self check out and carousel bagging in which the cashier now becomes the bagger. How much can we consolidate and eliminate before we soon discover this quick and easy way has just made us less human and more machine. Now don't get me wrong I love technology but at what risk? I think if we can develop the technology we must somehow remember that it is feeling, thinking and emotional human that uses it.

Terry Shiavo-Let her rest

2005-06-17T21:05:00.000-04:00

For goodness sake people. I can not believe it, here we go again the finger pointing and mudslinging and the government trying to control it all. Everyday around the world there lies Terry Shiavo's dying in the most humane way. Opening this case again with the 911 tape is only a slap in the face to the rights of all. The right to die with dignity and peace. I again repeat this is a personal and moral issue that is best left alone with the family not made a political platform. My thoughts go to Terry's angel as she looks upon this earth and sees the chaos she has finally left behind.

Out of the mouths of babes

2005-06-13T19:24:00.000-04:00

As most parents could share their children say some of the funniest things. I especially find it humorous when a child is unable to pronounce certain syllables or letters. I remember my oldest son who is now going on seventeen announced one day while getting a bath that he did not want me to "pamshoo" his hair. It sure brought giggles from me of course encouraging the mispronunciation. His other famous line was the respected "mailmail man" this still makes me laugh. You try to say the "mailmail man" brought mail 10 times really fast.

I again enjoy this lovely stage of development with my three and half year old. His "F's" are "B's" and he is unable to pronouciate his "st". He ran around the yard one day shrilling as three year olds do screaming "look at the buzz, look at the buzz". I frantically looked for the bee not wanting him to be stung but could not see anything. "Mom, look at the buzz". Then it dawned on me I needed to mow the lawn and dandelions had matured and looked like little "fuzz" balls all over the yard. Now on that same day imagine my husband and my look. We live across the street from a very busy hair salon and surrounded by retirees. Our son was busy playing with a stick. It was quite a big stick so I was determined to remove it from him. I coaxed him near me and I grabbed it. "Let go of my dick" was shouted at decibels beyond embarassament. We tried not to laugh but that was too much.

Opposites

2005-06-11T22:34:00.000-04:00

You and me are opposites

but the same you see

Black and white

are just shades of grey

You play the music

While I provide the song

You and me are opposites

but the same you see

Though we are but two

together we are one

Serendipity 2005

Best of friends

2005-06-08T17:50:00.000-04:00

If you choose to spend a lifetime with someone it is extremely helpful if this person is your best friend. My spouse and I fundamentally share the same philosophy in life. I admire his literal view on all of lifes topics and he admires my ability to interpet them. We are fotunate enough to be able to stop and share some of the most intense moments with one another. Though our greatest desire is to get away once in awhile, this has become a monsterous task. We try to make the most of our quiet moments few and far between. We have been stealing as many of these moments as possible. We have gone into deep discussions about our upcoming move to Eugene Oregon. We have wondered if we just keep it simple when we leave if it would enhance our relationship even more. Our goal is just over a year away. Circumstances may keep us here until the end of July but either way it is not too far away. I spend my days reading the Eugene newspaper and checking out the web cams that are linked to it. This has been my constant for well over a year now. I love checking out the Owen Rose Garden. I know when get there I am going to stand there and look west in to the webcam and wave because my dream has begun and I am sharing with it my best friend.

Help, let me out

2005-06-07T11:29:00.000-04:00

Where in the hell is the manual to parenthood? I would deeply appreciate whoever has it pass it over. I am especially interested in the section on teenagers and the stupid things they do. My 16 year old almost 17 years old who is currently grounded for lying and being caught decides that it is okay to go swimming after school without telling anyone. Meanwhile I am at work calling all the available people I can find to locate this AWOL child. My husband is out driving the neighborhood. I am forced to even resort to calling the police to get them involved now. Who would saunter in like everything is okay? I wanted to throttle this child. He disrupted several peoples life for a little swim and makeout session with his older girlfriend. His excuse, you don't understand I just can't take it any more. Take what? I just can't take the rules any more. OH MY GOD, my words return to haunt me.

Bird Song

2005-06-05T18:46:00.000-04:00

As this hot, muggy day continues to unfold I reflect back to its early start. I awoke early as usual around 0630. It was already starting to heat up. I woke my husband hoping to steal a few quiet moments with him before the rest of the world made its presence known. We assumed our early morning positions on our front porch. Being Sunday most of our neighbors were still fast asleep. We were greeted with natures stereo. There was the soft coos of the ground doves especially from the one that has turned our anniversary plant into a nest. The grackles litted back and forth with the high pitch tones and screams as they called to one another when they found a morning bounty of newly laid grass seed. The squirrels chatted amongst the trees tops. Then through it all came the rhythmic tapping of a woodpecker. My ears perked up as I search nearby perches for a glimpse of this rare visitor to town. I secretly hoped for a Pilated Woodpecker since I will never forget my first sighting of this large bird resembling that which I had become familiar with in cartoons. The woodpecker has not been in the neighborhood long maybe two weeks we've been hearing it.

I watched the ground doves chase one another in and out of the tree branches. The elusive woodpecker continued on. It brought out a curious onlooker from the next block over. The lady searched her trees but did not seem to see anything. The noise stopped, only for a moment though there it was again this time louder and closer. I got a little excited and began an earnest scan of nearby trees. Moments later it got my attention, a small male downy woodpecker making quick work of the telephone pole across the street. It brought me a smile that I relished on my own since my ethusasim with nature is not quite shared to same extent with my husband. He found it interesting just not exciting. As quick as he came he was gone which surprised me but I came to understand why within minutes. A quick heavy downpour drenched us and made the need to mow the lawn move further down the priority list.