The End of another

Here I sit and write in the last hour of what by far has been the worst year down to the last day, of my 38 years of life. I keep looking around with skeptisim waiting for the last nail to be driven somehow. I look back and reflect how much I have grown from the suppression and anger of all around me. I feel I have taken great strides in mental maturity. It is these small victories that keep me on my feet and standing for my rights. We each have made a journey upon ourselves and with one another. I am optimist and say only the mountain lies ahead or that is how I see it here from the valley.

With each passing moment I have learned to be; if but for a moment to enjoy what it really is to be enjoyed. Some one may have been expecting me to let you what you are suppose to be enjoying. If that is so you are sheep only to follow. I feel I have finally broken free from the herd and am making my way from the lions den.



HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!!!

Come and Gone

The holiday has come and gone and the New Year fast approaches. I am already exhausted. I suspect it is mostly from the anticipation of things that never happened. I am very pleased with that. I see small hope but I hope it is not false hope and there is some understanding. I have been on the defense for so long I would like to just once to let go. I think I defend out of self preservation a fear of losing control of that I work so hard to put in order. It is my control mechanism. I am so tired now. I just want my son safe, supported and loved so I can let my guards down.

Christmas

With the holidays approaching fast I have to wonder how merry they really are going to be? Christmas is my favorite holiday but I am not looking forward to this one this year. Things have unraveled beyond control. Well meaning "experts" asked me to give my oldest son his freedom and stop treating him like a child. Well his world is falling apart quickly. In a short 3 months he has dwindled a 700+ bank account to nearly nothing. I kept strict rein on this account only allowing necessary purchases. He has had this account since he was nine. He spent over 500 on lunch and cigarettes and such for "friends". He now lost his job due to theft. He has been stealing junk food to eat on his break, which he would of had money for. He has been in trouble at school twice now for harassment and he has been warned. I am not sure he will make it to the end of the school year because he keeps lying about it and not understanding the seriousness. He was mad because I felt custodial trades would be a better match despite the"experts". His progress report this period supports this and says that they will be concentrating on that for the rest of the year for him. I love my son and know him well. I have been very involved in all his decisions in life. I know every teacher, counselor, friend, and coach Patrick has had and has. I make Patrick my business. I never missed a basketball game, volleyball game and only a couple baseball games. I was involved in Cub Scouts with him for 2 years.

I have made mistakes I am sure of. When it comes to protecting my children and doing what is in their best intrest I don't think that should ever be questioned. Though the "experts" mean well they do not know me or my son. I have spent 18 years loving and grooming this boy into a man the best I can with what I had and what I know. I will always love him he will always be my "Peanut Butter". The toughest decision for me to make is to let my son be in the hands of someone else for the good of him. We fast approach this time and my heart grows heavy because I know he will not grow unless I let him go into this home at least for the moment. I know I can smile though because between the eighteen years of my guidance and the continuance of community support he has something that not everybody gets.

So as I finish this piece I am thankful for the support I have had with Patrick. I thank the people who heard my voice and helped me and Patick when we needed it. I thank God for giving me such a beautiful child to teach me patience, love and tolerance and may his next journey in life teach others. I thank my husband for his continuing support in the toughest of times despite his differences. I thank all the people who accept Patrick at face value and loved him as we do.

Open diary

Before the hateful words fly. I reiterate that this site is like an open diary to my brain of thoughts and feelings. If you are reading this then you are having the privilage of seeing the raw honesty of what ever is taking up the space at the moment. You may say it is my unorthodox way of sharing me. Readers may not like it; they may hate it and that is okay. I write to get this out of my head, to laugh at it, reread it, study it or just get rid of it. This is my therapy, not a personal vengance board, so read it with an open mind take it as you will but remember my fundamental purpose.

Mothers

I write this for my limited viewers probably more specifically for my mother. You see she was very offended by the previous post. She feels as if I exclude her in thought and include her in process so people do not know the whole story. I love my mother because she has given me life and she accepts me but, yes I am sorry there is a but, I do not have the love of a daughter for a mother like I think she wants me to have. I care deeply for her as a person and have respect for her as I think I should.

I left my mothers physical care at the age of seven. This is an image as in some movie that will never leave my mind. There is no blame for thirty years ago, there is no hate. I struggled for a few years to return to no avail. When I did return (10 years later) it was with reluctance and I was beyond the age of reasoning and angry. I spent a year trying to leave. The timing has always been bad but I believe things happen for a reason so I harbor no resentment. Though I can not just conjur up feelings that do not exist and I feel bad.

When I talk about family and they it general does exclude my biological mother. Though she makes me shake my head and sometimes laugh I don't think of her any less.