Organized religion

I guess today is good as any, being the designated holy day, to speak up about my opinions in this area. My husband asked me how could I believe as I do but did I as I did. (confusing huh) Well, my answer is I struggled for a long time with myself. I spent alot of time asking questions and searching for answers. I spent a good amount of time watching. I spent a good amount of my life time in and out of some faction of religion/church from a childhood to adulthood. I even attended a Bible college for a short stay. It was only in the last few years of observation that I have finally concluded with all my questions, watching and experience that I definitely have no use for an organized religion but I am probably one of the most spiritual people. Spiritual!!! Yes, Spiritual; I believe Kharma, Dharma, Wholistic, Nature, good,evil, pretty straight forward beliefs. I am truly thankful what I for what I have and we give thanks daily but we don't live in some fanasty world that all people must believe and think like us to be accepted by us. I only have a mans word to go by so I remember his words very well and will repeat them if I must. I have learned to let things go even though I must admit that has only been a recent accomplishment. Patience has taught me most people will hang them selves with their own actions and words and I just need to watch. It is through my beliefs that I have accomplished this inner peace with myself in that area. I do hurt but that is different ways. That is what is being done despite all my efforts it is like a small ache in my heart. I have learned not to ever expect anything and do everything. For now I will continue to walk away from all organized religion and rely on that which has never failed me, never left me and has always held me up my spirituality.

Way to go Supreme Court

Make that 7-3 vote I stand with the Supreme Court that Bush overstepped his bounds when it came to Oregons assisted sucide law. Bush has overstepped his bounds several times this administration. Trying to use the Federal goverment as his puppet to carry out his personal beliefs and morals. I applaud the Supreme Court for honoring the intergity of the states and rights of the people Bushs adminstration has tried to violate. I find it hard to believe that anybody with a brain in their head says "It is okay Bush, you can tell me what to do with every aspect in my life." From birth we are branded with a number and without this number we cannot do many things. We can not go to school, can't go to work, can't drive and numerous other things that are part daily lives. I am not anti-goverment. I am against Communism and Dictatorship. Hundreds years of fighting for equality and freedom is constantly being challenged. Montgomery Gentry said it right "You do your thing, I will do I will mine."

Fear

Fear is this the ultimate drive in our house in our lives. We each have a different fear that is motivating us. My husbands fear of loss of freedom consumes him somedays. In some ways it is good he recognizes his limits but in other ways it saddens me. I fear being left all alone. My husband say he is not leaving me he is securing his freedom he will be back to get me when things are safe. He has been trying to leave for years now to protect him or my son. How is this fair to me? I love my son? I do not care what they say it is not all my husband. Don't I deserve some happiness? I am stuck in the middle. My own father perserved his marriage by letting his children go, did he love us any less I did not think so. So why is this such a task. I want happiness for my son and safety.

We have 6 months before my son is an official adult. Meanwhile we struggle with all kind of issues here. I am stuck with a dilemma. I don't want to be forced to send him to his dads where I don't think it is in his best intrest. Especially with school almost done. Life sucks. Why can't we all get what we need and desire? I have worked so hard for what? I am tired of feeling unimportant. I do matter. I did exist for 38 almost 39 years. I am not crazy. Walk in my shoes I challange you.

Honesty

I try my hardest to live the most honest I can in every aspect of my life. I teach this to my kids. I tell them sometimes it hurts to be honest, people don't always like it, you might not like it, but I think you will be respected in the long run. I was not always honest. I was told I am to honest to a fault now. Is there such a thing? Being honest doesn't mean perfection it means the recognition of the lack of. I am not very conventional person though I have conventional ideas. I am definitely not conservative in thought but my liberal behavior is conservatively played out. I believe I have good values and moral's rooted in reality not in some "Do as I say not as I Do". I believe in spirituality not a religion because it includes all and shuns none.

There is many challenges today for all to face. We are a society against ourselves. We have stripped our rights and freedoms away. We have destroyed that what was given to us freely. We continue to give power and feed into the rhetoric of ridiculous politics. It is a broken system. We suffer. We should not have to work this hard to have nothing. I'm not going anywhere they got me why can't they extend a hand. Maybe if I was another country upon myself. I here by claim that I am now a country and requesting arms for protection, food and shelter for comfort and money to pay my debts I owe you. Come to my rescue Big Brother come to my rescue.

Watching

With the sweet we endure the bitter. I watch my children grow and develop before my eyes. Patrick is approaching manhood with full force and KC out of toddlerhood into boyhood with growing independence. I began this blog almost a year ago for purpose of communication with myself and others if they so desire to follow along. It has caused much conserversy about my own mental status or respect for others. Though I admit I have been pretty emotionally charged at times. I think I am pretty grounded. The stress of being ill is taking a toll, the stress of finances is hurting, the stress of the lack of support surely has done a number or two. The sweet of all this is what I have in these four walls the love of my kids and my husband. It is the only thing that is holding me together somedays when the it seems so dark. It is this reason we still hold our dreams and move forward despite the resistance.


Don't blink for I may be gone
Don't hold your breath for I shall not return
Serendipity 2006

Physical update

I had my follow up nuerologist appointment today. Things are improving in the headache department somewhat. There still is going to be an increase in my medication because we quite haven't quite reached our goals in reduction. I am still having difficulty with fevers, lots of muscle aches and some other issues that will need to be addressed by my Internest. Both doctors feel the migraines are being fed by different sources and there is some concerning underlying issues that obviously have not surfaced yet (fevers, nauesa, ridgidness, aches and so on). Neverless I am not being physically incapacipated by my head at this moment and I am take full advantage of it. So full speed ahead because I never know when I have to coast again.