Control
People who have the need to be in control all the time is more likely because they have the fear of losing control. Yep that is me. I am better then I used to be since I realized why I have the overwhelming urge to control every aspect of my life; enviroment, relationships, decisions and anything that I may come in contact with. It is to protect myself. From what you ask?
I am protecting myself from me. I know I hear the resounding WHAT? I have been so out of control at certain times in my life that I have a stringent hold on my emotions and everything else surrounding me. I actually have panics attacks if I don't know what is going to happen. This control issue was brought up recently following a psychiatric evaluation for a surgical procedure. It is such an intrinsic part of my makeup that it makes me good at what I do for a living and helps me deal with intense situations. What it doesn't allow me to be is more of what I feel is myself. It can stifle any creativity and it caps my ihibitions. With the small part of relinquishing of control in my life I have slowly been able to emerge once in a while with projects, photography or writing. I am most happy when I am free and able to express myself without the constraints of opinion and control.
It is all about setting boundaries. This has been an ongoing project in my life now for about 5 1/2 years. I can not take credit for the catalyst that comes from the people in a twelve step program. Listening to them tell their stories only inspired me to open up and see the solution for myself. No one can do it for me. So here I am on my journey to rid myself of control, set boundaries and discover who I am.
I am protecting myself from me. I know I hear the resounding WHAT? I have been so out of control at certain times in my life that I have a stringent hold on my emotions and everything else surrounding me. I actually have panics attacks if I don't know what is going to happen. This control issue was brought up recently following a psychiatric evaluation for a surgical procedure. It is such an intrinsic part of my makeup that it makes me good at what I do for a living and helps me deal with intense situations. What it doesn't allow me to be is more of what I feel is myself. It can stifle any creativity and it caps my ihibitions. With the small part of relinquishing of control in my life I have slowly been able to emerge once in a while with projects, photography or writing. I am most happy when I am free and able to express myself without the constraints of opinion and control.
It is all about setting boundaries. This has been an ongoing project in my life now for about 5 1/2 years. I can not take credit for the catalyst that comes from the people in a twelve step program. Listening to them tell their stories only inspired me to open up and see the solution for myself. No one can do it for me. So here I am on my journey to rid myself of control, set boundaries and discover who I am.
Living inside of my head no room to stretch or grow
The thousand voices tell me what direction I must go
"That is not right you must not do it"
"Over here can't you see it"
I must not lose control of my direction
Everything has it's own section
"Hurry, Hurry come this way"
"NO, NO what did I say"
My heads exploding just as I feared
The emotions are coming now in tears
"Oh, I am so sorry to drive you crazy"
"At least you are productive and not lazy"
STOP!!!
A deep breath I take in and out slow
Giving me a moment to grow
SERENDIPITY 2005
posted by Kimberly | 8:20 AM
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