Beautiful day

What a beautiful day here in nothern Michigan. The no coat weather. I actually saw serval people in shorts today. The warm air blwing accross my face was a welcomed thing. The birds were singing, the smell of the earth giving birth to newness filled the air, puddles formed where ther once was piles of snow, a robin bobbed along the yard looking for good eats, the sun brought a new bightness into the yard, the distinct scent of barbaque whaffed its way between the houses, childrens laughter could be heard through once closed windows, a new excitement arises amoung all. Spring is here, Spring is here.

Spirituality

The hot topic yesterday was religion and spirituality. Being Easter and all. I had to work and because it is deemed a religious holiday there is no extra pay.I am not sure that I have ever been deeply religious at any point in my life but I can say I have been and very much are Spiritual. To me religion is narrow focused while spirituality is very widely focused. I can say I believe in a force greater then myself that has guided me my entire life. When we reflect for a moment in our house we do ask "God" for thanksgiving and guidance. I think this is for decrease in confusion with our children, or a lack of a actual title for our higher power. Now don't scream "sacrareligious". I have experienced things in my lifetime which doesn't warrant an explanation at least not one that I am willing to divulge in writing. It is these experiences that have increased my spirituality and beliefs that I have. I will not force my beliefs on another person and I have always been open to hear what others have to say. What ever seems to give your sense of worth religion or spirituality let it be. I think we should be tolerant of one another because there is a divide. Fanatics of both thoughts exist and as all things there are those who walk the line.

Reflection

Boy is the world spinning faster into choas, or is just my imagination? Tragedy where ever I look. A good part of our awareness is due to the fact of instant news. Today's technology brings us around the world to watch our men and women fight for whatever. We are able to watch horror unfold in front of our eyes as we watched a plane crash into the world trade center not once but twice. We get to watch the political, religious, moral debate unfold in the south. Amber alerts are nice, diaster warnings, community awareness peices they all keep us in touch with the world. I love the technology but I am challenged to determine what, how much, when and from who I must accept. Somedays despite its convinence and comfort I want to unplug everything including the phone. It does leave me feeling torn between two worlds. There is days I feel like packing a bag and leaving society as we know it but unfortunately our strive for more has limited our space for escape.

What if?

I reiterate my sadness as a compassioniate human for the sorrow in the case of Terry Schiavo. I am blown away by the involvement of all unintrested parties. I can't help but to cringe at the thought of how close we are to total invasion of every aspects of our lives. I know this case has sparked many conversations across the nation in homes and business alike. Advance directives is something I routinely inquire of my patients upon every admission. Here in Michigan living wills are not legally binding at this time but are great avenues of communicating your actual treatment wishes such IV lines and ventilators. Durable power of attorney for health care is the legally binding wish of your needs. Follow my link to the Hospice of Michigan-Advance Directives page for more information. We also need to respect our little bit of privacy we have left and cherish it. I think what we choose to share others is our choice. This blog is a inside of who I am and my family. This is a place where I can speak about what is on my mind freely and share my poes with those who wish to read. I have seriously considered the book idea. I just need to get it going. I have so many thoughts and ideas I am not sure where to start or the style in which I should write in. For now this blog keeps my creative juices primed and I am enjoying it. Maybe someday I will stumble across a publish author willing to give the push I am looking for.

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Terry Schiavo

As a mother, sister and wife I am saddened by the Terri Schiavo Case, but as an individual US citizen that has these titles I am disgusted with the blantant disregard for my right to the pursuit of happiness. When we allow "Big Brother" to meddle in our personal private affairs we are empowering an already out of control power hungry group of men and women. Take a good look around you. We may have many more freedoms then most countries but they are systematically being stripped away at a remarkable speed with every human right issue. What about gas prices, wages, our men and women fighting for what?, the state of the economy, the outsourcing, the rising cost of living with no site of compensation in sight, the homeless, the starving, the working poor and I can go on forever with issues and not even touch private personal decision such as the right to die. When I looked at my name tag it did not say "God". I am expected to be accoutable for MY actions and mine alone.

As a health care worker I see death more often then most. It can be very sad and tramutic or very peaceful and tranquil.I do not want to see Terri die or anyone else for that matter. The truth is it is not my buisness. I do not know Terri or her family or do they know me. Congress is respresenative of me in the capacity of public matters not personal so therefore it is none of their business to even be involved in this case.What happens to me on personal level is just that per-son-al . Laws are in place to protect my personal rights not get involved in them. Laws are for the extremist. For the most part people are not going to violate other peoples personal space and are too busy tring to struggling with the daily grind of bringing home the too little pay for the too large economy.

The heart of this issue is the right to live or die. In my opinion Congress should be inovaters not follow the money "kiss assers". This is a group of men and women who are suppose to be able to voice about change for a safer and more economically sound country. I do tip my hat to those in congress who know that their actions affect them as equally as it does the nation and they don't want their personal lives invaded anymore then I do or millions of other people. Please let me keep what is personal, personal. The government knows where I live, work, bank, shop, what utilities I use and how much, what I watch, what I drive, who my family is, where I go on vacation, go to school and the list goes on. I want the right to decide what to do with my body or the right for my family to decide not some stanger that knows me by 3**-****-**.

Easter

Preparing for Easter today since I have to work and my husband is taking the boys out to his parents. I have put together some eggs with jellybeans and put them in a basket. This weekend, despite being a 4 day weekend is moving along very quickly. I only have tomorrow off left. I actually have been quite productive. I was able to take out stock in Sams Club with the groceries this time.TJ is so ethusastic about his new job that we have finally been able to pull ahead a little. It sure is nice. Well not much here tonight I am tired so I'll be back tomorrow hopefully with fresh ideas. Goodnight.

Tears of an Angel

Listening to todays headlines was daunting. The poor Lunsford family in Florida realizing every parents nightmare. The hope of hearing a missing childs voice again is gone. As a parent I think we just love our children without much thought until danger approaches. It is amazing the capacity of compassion most people have within with the contrast of dark that surrounds us at times. Many lives are altered by such a inane decision.I don't believe can even image what would drive a person to this behavior. Even this empathizer finds it difficult to understand.The only this man has going for him is he gave up when he knew it was done. He could of denied this and we could of had a long drug out trial. I am thankful that he put this on the road to closure though to be honest I am not sure how closure is obtained in a situation as this. I am hoping justice is fair and swift and the Lunsfords pain and suffering is healed with time and love.

Tears of an angel fall sweetly to the earth

A dark image smeared their worth

The pain seared so deeply by the hate it caused

The frantic search for reason goes on without pause

Some are found but all seems lost

Fist shake upwards there is no calculating cost

Life is precious and so dear

So parents hold your children near

Serendipity 2005

Societal changes

I have eluded in previous blogs about how changes in society have affected all and also touched on boundary setting. As a parent of two I have a responsibility to my sons to raise them to be responsible young adults. This can be a very difficult task today. I work full time and so does my husband. When I am not working I am attending to the other needs of the household such as shopping, cleaning and laundry. My husband is an evolved spouse so he contributes to these extra duties as needed. We have very little time, actually no time for us. We try hard to avoid "keeping up with Joneses". I know we could live a lot simpler. I have difficult time letting go of the computer and internet because it is my outlet. I have no problem living in a cheaper house, driving a used car or sitting on used furniture.When I shop not everything in my cart is name brand. We certainly do not live in Martha Stewarts house. I would much rather stay home and write for a living or do research of some type. Unfortunately my house payment, utilities, groceries and necessities of living do not allow this to be a practical practice. Though I have honed my boundary setting skills a lot lately.

Boundary setting is a necessary survial skill that we must have. We need to ask yourself when is enough an enough? Our children learn by our modeling. Today's kids are out of control living in chaos because we are living out of control in chaos. We expect overtime at work is our only way to make it to the next credit card bill. Our house's costs are misaligned with its size and functionality. The cars cost as much as much as a mobile home. Groceries are outrageous in prices because the local farmers can no longer compete with the corporate profit. Wages are not appropriate for skill level and responsibility. Jobs are being outsourced to hundreds of country's that live much simpler therefore live on less. Do I fall into this chaos? On a daily basis. Until we move into a more self efficient area we are forced to fall victim to the spinning web of society. I do drive a used car. We only have 1 vehicle not 2 like most households. I say no to most overtime because it is my time. I try to buy as much local produce and goods as economical possible. I continually evaluate my job and look for other ways to enhance my natural talents that can help support us. I make no excuses for my beliefs and no apologies for my opinions because these are my rights. I have reached enough and am working on how can I move us to the next level safely. It may take a little more education on my part and risk on someone else's part but I am willing to step out of the web and set my boundaries so my sons so not have to rely on other peoples idea of "right".

Bipolar

bipolar disorder A psychological disorder marked by manic and depressive episodes. Bipolar disorders are divided into four main categories: bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymia, and nonspecified disorders. Mania is the essential feature of bipolar I, whereas recurrent moods of both mania and depression mark bipolar II. SYN: manic-depressive psychosis SEE: Nursing Diagnoses Appendix TREATMENT: Often the first-line choice of medication is lithium carbonate. If there are concerns about the sideeffects of lithium or it is found to be ineffective, valproate and carbamazepine may be tried.

Copyright 2005 by F. A. Davis Company


Several years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar. More specifically bipolar I. I have these tremendous manic episodes that have in past contributed to my poor decision making. I have never let this disorder take blame for any of my behavior especially now. I am very acutely aware of when I am cycling. I am very productive. Over the years I have learned to be in tune with these cycles and use them to my advantage. I only regret the lack of sleep and sometimes the irritable mood. I am not medicated because the medication slows me down too much and I lose alot of creativity. The mania usually only last a few days but can go on for a week or two. I wish I could explain to people when I am cycling it probably save alot of weird looks and comments. I am not contagious or dangerous. This is a great time to put me on a focused task. I certainly am not insane I do not lose my sense of who I am. I can be a major chatter box, or seem over stimulated but I am just me.

MY MIND IS AT TOMMORROW

WHILE MY BODY IS HERE TODAY

Serendipity 2005

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The elusive Spring

Here it is mid March, fast approaching Easter and the snow keeps coming. I am yearning for sunlight and bright colors. I have begun the ritual spring cleaning but this time with a much more deep meaning. I am clearing house. I have only put a slight dent in the clutter that I have collected. I am 15 1/2 months away from a new adventure. I am one of those people who likes planned spontaneity. I know what a oxymoron. It is a control issue that I am trying to rid myself of. I seem to have a new found energy I just do not want to waste it. I know once I can get out side without having to wear nine layers of clothing and trudge through slush I am going to want to be outside to begin the spring clean-up outside. Until then I must wade through dust and paper hoping the Easter Bunny brings sunshine and flowers in its baskets.

Empathy vs Sympathy

Main Entry: em·pa·thy Pronunciation: 'em-p&-thEFunction: nounEtymology: Greek empatheia, literally, passion, from empathEs emotional, from em- + pathos feelings, emotion -- more at PATHOS1 : the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it2 : the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also : the capacity for this

Main Entry: sym·pa·thy Pronunciation: 'sim-p&-thEFunction: nounInflected Form(s): plural -thiesEtymology: Latin sympathia, from Greek sympatheia, from sympathEs having common feelings, sympathetic, from syn- + pathos feelings, emotion, experience -- more at PATHOS1 a : an affinity, association, or relationship between persons or things wherein whatever affects one similarly affects the other b : mutual or parallel susceptibility or a condition brought about by it c : unity or harmony in action or effect2 a : inclination to think or feel alike : emotional or intellectual accord b : feeling of loyalty : tendency to favor or support 3 a : the act or capacity of entering into or sharing the feelings or interests of another b : the feeling or mental state brought about by such sensitivity 4 : the correlation existing between bodies capable of communicating their vibrational energy to one another through some mediumsynonym see ATTRACTION, PITY

The reasoning for the above Webster dictionary online entries is spawned by a long twelve hour shift and the difference of opinion. It was all sparked by a certain employee who feels as if their presences is not needed in a critical staffing moment especially when they feel cheated out of what they feel is owed them such as not working. This certain somebody is someone we all have in our jobs they call in and go home sick 3 out of 4 shifts. I suggested an invervention for this person. They need to really understand from their peers how their behavior is affecting their peers as well as their own performance. Of course this brought about hearty laughter and I was labeled a sympathizer, an enabler. I beg to differ; my collegues are confusing empathy with sympathy. I believe in holding people accountable but I also believe that we are all inheirently good and sometimes we need to as a whole to become infused with one another in idea and goal not necessarily believe and support one emotionally but objectively. Stealing a quote most commonly heard in twelve step progams, "If not by the grace of God there go I". Folks that is not sympathy.

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Not much to say

Hey folks, not much to say today. I had to work and it sure got crazy and I am exhausted. I have to be back there in 10 1/2 hours to do it all over again. I am sure something will come. Have a good night.

Potty training

As you know if you have been reading I have a three year old son. He will be 3 1/2 on Sunday. We are working on eliminating the diaper. This has been a very slow process. He enjoys standing up like Daddy and peeing but he just doesn't know how to tell you he has to go. He is good at announcing that he has "Peed" or "poopped" but just not in the toilet. Now our consistency has not paid off like I felt it should have. He is a very strong willed child he has tatrums like you would not believe. He has no fear of anybody or anything at this point. We no longer take him to the store with us because he can turn on us in a moments notice. It is not so bad for us as I think it is for other people and heaven forbid if he was to get a swat on his butt for his mouthiness some feel as if we are abusing him.


One day my husband and I decided to walk through town like we occasionally do. Instead of making KC ride in the stroller the whole way downtown then through it we decide it would be best to drive the two minutes there and then walk through town. Things were going as planned until about 10 minutes later when we stopped in a store to browse. KC wanted out of the stroller to walk around. I felt this was reasonable since there was nothing he could really break and he would stretch his legs. Everything went fine for about five minutes then someone hit the banji button. KC felt the need to run and climb. Even with warnings he dialed up the speed so I scooped him up and put him back in the stroller to his disgust all awhile avoiding his kicking feet and wild hands. I remove him promptly from the store since his Dad was now engrossed with the salesman I felt different stimulus would calm him. OH NO! As I found a bench about two feet from a very busy road he continued to scream and kick. On this particular sunny day in downtown Traverse City it was bustling with many people all of which were looking our way now. I was doing my very best to ignore the now crowd stopper putting on a side show for all those who would listen. Then it happened, I was approached by an older woman telling me how to calm my child she insisted that I pick him up and hold him because he has been in there to long. What? "Five minutes is too long I do not think so and I am not getting kicked'. With a look of horror she walked away ...No she did not here she comes back to announce that I should take him out now he just needs some love and a nap. "I will not two feet from a busy street and it is 10 o'clock in the morning and he just got up at 0830". She turned looking around for support from the curious onlookers, no takers. She marched off in a huff. Now I was ready to kick and scream how dare someone even have the guts to say that to someone. I signaled to his dad we need to go. KC was winding down now and only a occasional forced cry would emit from him. I was so disgusted with the unsolicited advice I had to leave downtown before another person felt compelled to tell me how to raise my child. I thought that was rarity in a person until two days later.


The reason we do not take KC shopping anymore. We were grocery shopping and all was well until just at the end. KC will not ride in shopping carts anymore so he had been following me around the store. He was very good until we were approaching the checkout then it happened again. "Banji button". He took off running through the store with his dad closely behind, a thirty pound three year can round corners much quicker then a three hundred pound 6ft man so as long as he kept turning he was ahead but curiosity slowed the three year long enough for the now enraged 33 year old who seized the opportunity to scoop him up and take him to the van as he kicked and screamed. "My whose child could that be". I checked out in peace and quiet unaware that in the parking lot a scene reminiscent of two days ago was about to unfold. I walked outside to see a older lady with her head in the passenger side and the look of horror on my husbands face. I can hear the familiar screaming that I have come accustomed to. For just a brief moment (okay I admit a little more then brief) I envisioned my shopping cart rammed up that ladies butt. I quickly shook the image in time to hear her say" he needs to held and loved and maybe a nap" . I dismissed her very quickly because I really do not want assault charges and she was pissing me off. KC stopped crying as soon as soon as the groceries were loaded and my door shut. Twice in one week unsolicited advice from what I am sure was well meaning citizens. We choose not to spank our child in public because of the oversensitive people that live in this town. We choose the politically correct way and remove KC from the place and ignore his rantings. He did try this in Grand Rapids Meijers once and only once. I removed him from the stroller he was having his fit in spanked him right there in the store(now remind you I spanked not beated him) and he stopped immediately. Lo and behold not one person approached me with unsolicited advice matter of fact I saw a couple nods of a approval. The trials and tribulations of a three yearold, will this year ever end?

Unaffordable housing

Can Traverse city build any more unaffordable housing? As I drove my son to school I could not help but notice two condo projects on going with a couple proposed. With these condos starting in the 200,000 range and the homeless problem growing, Traverse City is defining Oxymoron. The average Joe, and I consider myself the average Joe, can not afford to even glance at these condos let alone buy one. Our household income is considered middle income and we still can't even think about it. This is a beautiful town that has much too offer if you are rich. If you can afford the house you can not afford the taxes. It is a shame. The average family has to live miles from town which now increase wear and tear on their vehicles, increase gas consumption, longer drives to employment, and many other small in town convinences that lead to big spending. Being a small town transportation options are still limited and costly. So living in "Gods Country" comes with a large price tag.

Cheering for the underdog

I have at times been accused to be cheering for the underdog or those who are less fortunate. As a society we should all be shouting out foul. I just understand what it is to have so many people around that there is nobody there. Are we just over sensitized to others needs? Nothing grinds me more the judgment of others. People can change and people do change. If I am to go into great detail of my discretions and you know who I am today and I know people 7/10 people would no longer talk to me even though they know me for who I am today. I try to make a consciencesous effort to not forget where I was, what I did and where I have gotten. Now if only half of the people around us would try to master the same effort their noses would not be so long and their eyes would not be crossed. I work in a profession that is suppose to be free from judgment but there is humans doing this job not robots. I correct all my people I am training when they fall into that "holier then though" attitude. We can all be in someone else shoes in a blink of an eye. I suppose this is why I get most of the"drug addicts", "mental cases", and just plain "weird" patients because I treat the patient not the label. Lo and behold because I treat the patient like a patient not a label I do not get manipulated or frustrated with them as others do. Am I free of all prejudice and judgment? No. I try to correct it quickly and learn from it.
My wish is that people would devolp tolerance, patience and understanding for that in which they do not understand.

Do not hate me for my differences

Instead embrace me for my pain

Do not critize me for my opinion

Instead learn to understand

Serendipity 2005

Good Morning

Good morning to all. I am a little exhausted though I went to bed early. Our three year old decided last night he was going to sleep with us. Boy does that kid move around. Between TJ's snoring and KC's kicking. For the most part KC sleeps in his own bed. I think with us both working full time now he misses us. Here is a beautiful sunrise photo I captured off a web cam in Florence Oregon on the coast. Now close your eyes and imagine.

Three Weeks

Today marks 21 posts or three weeks of sharing what is going on inside my head. Writing has been liberating for me. Sometimes I get stuck for a topic like now but when they come they come. It is my weekend to work so there may not be a post tomorrow. TJ is loving his taxi driving job. He is working opposite of my days so he is putting in 48 hours which is great. I miss him some nights but he has to feel good about having his own money it is such a morale booster. It is nice to have cash during the week and not having to wait until payday, Every night he works is payday for him. We have made great strides in the finance department. We have more hurdles to overcome but we have got some major ones accomplished. We own everything except for one TV, couch and lazy boy. That is less then a $1000 to pay off. My outstanding debt is less then $5000 not including my school loans. We were finally approved to buy a house which we are obviously sitting on. We at least are heading in the right direction. Have a great weekend maybe I will be able to post tomorrow.

Homeless

Every day I read the Register Guard. This is the daily newspaper for Eugene Oregon. Yesterday there was a compassionate article written by Mark Baker on the front page about a homeless woman Victoria "Hatoon" Adkins. I was touched how one person can touch so many lives especially a person most people turn their backs to. She was elderly and mentally ill and had no place to live. Not really. According to the article she has been apart of the University of Oregons campus since the 60's. She had a make shift home made from a blue tarp between two trees and benches located near the campus bookstore. She was very active lifted weights and rode bike. She lent several people insight to life. She seemed be someone that would be truly missed.

Most recently Traverse City lost one of their homeless. Steve Gunn was found by a local walker on the State Hospital grounds. I did not know this man but I am sure many did. The local churches have opened their doors to the growing numbers in the area. I can't recall the exact date but a news story announcing that the local churches were opening their doors to the homeless but had to rotate the times. This struck me odd. The reasoning was if they offered accommodations too many times in a row they would have to be rezoned and taxed for offering temporary housing. Wow and price for kindness how sad. The government acknowdleges there is a problem with the growing homeless and wants to profit off it. These churches which are made up of the people of the community, offer out of their hearts care for people that are less fortunate then them, to be penalized. What a wonderful world I live in today. Cheers to the churches and people who give to those unable at the moment. Shame on those putting a price on charity.

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Another morning

It is a chilly 19 degrees out there this morning. I have to step out in it. Even though it is but for a breif moment it is more then I want. Had a bizzare dream last night. The subconscienous brain chatter type which awoke me at 0430. I quickly shook that off and went back to sleep for my deserved hour. Which by the way was here in a blink.Well I must go off now and awake the three year old for daycare. This is another unfavorite task of mine. I am never sure of what his mood is going to be like. Have a great day everyone and stay warm.

Dreams

I think I had dreams once. I am not talking about the subconscious chatter in our brains as we sleep. The other day as I stood in the locker room getting myself ready for work there was the mutual sigh that a few of us get as we begin our early morning regimen. " I rather be home" , "Me too", " I do not want to work", "Me neither but then I would not be able to have a home or eat or just plan live". I chuckled. It sucks that things such as a job dictates our happiness. I am a registered nurse and have been for 4 years. I have worked at the hospital almost 7 years. I am far from the compassionate nurse. I care about my patients and their needs are always addressed and met to the best of my ability. It is job not a passion. Why did I go into nursing? To be totally honest I am not sure. I mean I really am not sure. I know that there is really other things I rather do. None of things really allow me to pay the bills at least not at first. Nursing came easy to me and people say I look comfortable and confident but inside I am bored. The thing that at work I like is the technology. That is interesting. Not something I would be happy doing as a living.

My mother and my aunt for years and I mean years tell me I should write a book. I like to write but not sure in what direction. As previously posted my life has been in constant change. I have reflected a lot on myself and I evolve continuously. Somewhere inside is the electic artist that peeks her head out every once in a while. I think she hides due to being squashed early on in life. I reflected back on my short life the other night as my mother reveled in her own pain. I'm sure I seemed strange if not eccentric to many as a child. I had crazy ideas that very few could understand. Would of I been famous? HaaaHaaa Haaa. I could be famous now I guess anybody can. If that is my destination I am sure it unfold itself. I believe everything happened the way it should. I have promised myself to be more true and honest to who I am. I raised a couple eyebrows but I will move slow. Everyday I am a little more liberated and I hope to someday be FREE.

DREAM

Freedom to speak and to be

emotionally unchained

To take a deep breath and

to dance in the rain

To paint the sky purple

and be perfectly sane

To take an obscure picture

of a man all alone

To sit on a tall hill and

write a silly poem

My dreams are so near but yet so far away

Release me you demons do as I say

Serendipity 2005

Get me off this spinning world

I consider myself a young person. I am approaching only the half way mark to eighty. Where is this going? I am heading done the road of change. Every time I have to stand behind an elderly person as they walk their methodic pace or a child cranking their neck and stopping with every passing change I am quickly reminded how fast the world is going. Twenty years ago I was boiling water on the stove because I could not afford a microwave. This process took up to ten minutes somedays. Today I tap my foot impatiently as I wait for the whole two minutes if that it takes in the microwave. As a child I believe the news on TV, which only had thirteen channels if you were lucky, was an hour. We now have 11 at 11. All the news crammed in 11 minutes so we can get on with our day. What happened to the mailmen stopping and saying hi? What about you knowing your neighbor? I know who my neighbors are but I surely do not know them and they not us. Today's kids are so disrespectful and heaven forbid if you discipline them. Parents talk about spanking their children in metaphors until they know they are in safe company. Now note I said spank not beat. Vacations are becoming novel ideas and sick days are increasing. Correlation what do you think? The American dream is coporaterized, politicized and a work of fiction.

If I am frustrated and wanting to get out of this spinning chaos what is going to happen to my children? I am hoping our move to change allows us to slow down. For now whenever I am stuck behind something or someone that is moving slow I am gong to take a deep breath and enjoy.