True Devotion

It is one thing to have a mother, father, sibling or any other relative to tell you they love and believe in you but in my opinion to have a friend or spouse tell you and you feel it. I think you expect your family to be there for you and love you and maybe in someways you expect your friends and spouse to. The saying is "you can not choose your family but you can choose your friends" and spouse. I appreciate hearing from my family that they believe in me and love me it is reinforced security. This blog is most likely sparked by the fact that I spent 12 years in a relationship that I am not sure even why. This is after a lot of retrospecting. There was no support, trust, love, honesty or communication on either of our parts. We brought a child into this world , Patrick,which I believe is the only thing we have in common. Two days ago was our 4th year anniversary with my husband TJ. We also have a son together, KC. Now I am not going to say that every day there is perfection. Without mistakes we do not learn. The difference is there is support, trust, love, honesty and the most important communication. TJ is my best friend, lover, partner and spouse (if that is labeling so be it). He sees things in me that I just am not able to see and vice-a-versa. His belief in me is undescribably erotic. It is this trust and devotion to the relationship that makes it stand above all others.

Mothers Tears

When did it happen? When didyour world go awry?

I held you in my arms not that many years ago

Your eager hunger supressed with my love

Your tiny fingers grasping tight

Your dark hair covered your head like no others

You smiled despite what they said

I've watched you grow as a mother does

Your world was shattered all at once

The voices were loud and misunderstood

I did not give up or never will

I stand strong and tall waitng to understand

Why must you fall apart? Why does this happen to you?

Serendipity 2005

Link

Entering worlds unknown

I have eluded to in the beginning posts I married myself a proclaimed "Deadhead". Growing up I knew who the Grateful Dead were but I never listened to them beyond the radio and maybe an occasional accidental happening upon at a party or two. I am very electic when it comes to what I have listened to and sometimes I will listen to . In true artistic form I have been open to the introduction of many forms of music. I have a spot in my heart for the "true" blues and find that I am really enjoying some jam sessions from "HYDRA", Mickey Harts band. For those in the unknown, Mickey Hart was one of Grateful Deads drummers and much more. I find it amazing in a short 4 1/2 + years I am able to sing along with soulful Garcia and Weir as they tell their stories that are a peice of Americana. This comes from a girl who worshiped the very ground of the Masters of loud music "Ozzy Osburne with Black Sabbath", Metallica, Kiss, and on and on and on......... My head hurt some days not from the hangover but from "banging" it so hard. Though the trip has changed venue in my life I like to travel done paths once treaded and into unknown worlds. I have shedded many of the vechiles of transport but hold on to the true nature of things.

The reason for my existance

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday my greatest fan
Happy Birthday to you


Happy Birthday Mom

Project in the works

Here is a project I have begun. I am excited and think it has great potential. No title just some beginning thoughts that have begun to unravel from my mind.

A small girl of an undetermined age wanders on the banks of a noisy river. She is lost. Her hair is black as the night; her eyes are emerald in color, her skin worn and dark. She listens to rush of the water tumble along the rocks as she finds a spot to sit and think. Is this day no different then any other? She sinks into the spot she chose and looks deep into the rippling water. The day’s sun is reaching its highest place in the sky heating the air. A warm breeze snakes its way through the trees and finds a resting place on her cheek. Her hand touches her face with care as if she is going to capture the elusive air that was just there. The light reflects the ripples in the water, looking like angels dancing back and forth, entrancing the girl. So entranced, the young girl did not hear the snapping of twigs behind her as someone approached her.

Where to start

Not knowing where to begin is exactly where I shall start. The unmasking of my brain of sorts. I have many thoughts that are there if I could just grasp one or two and flow with it. From the depths of the neurons firing off to the tips of my fingers, I wish the words to flow.

Serendipity 2005

Warm weather cometh

78 degrees out. Yes here in Northern Michigan mid April it is 78 degrees out. It is a nice 78 also no humidity. I have been riding my bike to work when I don't have to take KC to daycare and it has been a pleasure to ride through these old neighborhoods in daylight and see eveyone working on some nice looking yards. I have flowers blooming daily now. I was absolutely beside myself when I saw the buds on the tree right outside my picture window. My husband just stared at me as I danced around and said there is tiny leaves, there is tiny leaves!!! He actually called moments ago since he is working and said he is sitting in an air conditioned car because it is hot sitting in the sun waiting for fares. I am sitting here with a light breeze on my face from the window typing away and watching the Tigers game. Enoy this why we can.

Blooming yard 

The Mask I Wear

Am I who I really am?

Am I who " YOU " really see?

The mask I wear grows heavy and weary

If I would remove it you would surely cry

I carry the burden and I am not quite sure why

Underneath this fashioned life

I live with pain and strife

I am who I think " YOU " want me to be

but truly it is not really me

I am sure you would not approve of my thoughts or beliefs

They lie considerably to the left of yours and pretty deep

Am I wrong to feel this way?

I don't think so, who's to say

I go to work day after day

pay my bills I pay my way

I protect those I love as I should

I often given more then I thought I could

When can I stop playing this game

and be love for who I am?

When can I just be free of this mask I wear

for " YOU " ?

Serendipity 2005

Growing leaps and bounds

It is amazing how your children just change in front of your eyes. KC who will be four in September seems to go to bed and wake up with new skills and abilities on a daily basis. Concerned with his one word broken sentences at 3 1/2 years he has started to actually talk in whole sentences which are remarkably understandable. He can not sit still for anything so if we could just figure out how to harness this energy and use it to our advantage and his. He is very smart and is constantly trying to figure out how things work. He loves playing the matching game on the computer and his bike has become a daily ritual. We went and bought a new helmet today for it. He proudly displays his helmet with matching elbow pads. We can not help him put it on or help him take it off. He did great at the store helping get diapers and new sandals and then a helmet. Wow I am just amazed it won't be long and he will be going to school.

Patrick is going to be leaving school soon and hopefully going to MCTI College in Kalamazoo. He goes there on a field trip next week. What a world apart my boys are. Patrick was very passive and quiet at KC's age but is very loud and busy now. Maybe this is a good thing that KC is loud and busy now. As I get older my energy levels are not quite up to par. They are not depleted though and I enjoy watching my teenager growing into a man and my toddler growing into a boy.

Strolling in the sun

It is so nice to finally see all the snow leave us. I am enjoying walking around the block with my three year old as he proudly pedals his "ABC" two wheeler with training wheels. The crunch of the tires on the sidewalk keep rhythm with my steps. I am noticing that the squirrels were very busy transplanting the neighborhood bulbs last fall and winter. There is many flowers outside of the well groomed borders of each of the houses. What a grand show mother nature is preparing for us as she shakes off the old leaves and burst forth with brillant purples, yellows and greens. Next to fall this is my favorite time of the year. I watch with earnest for the birds to return and the trees to show the buds that will canopy the neighborhood. People are slowly emerging from their winter hideaways and new faces are checking out every crook and cranny. Little girls giggle and show off there new pretty pink bikes and helmets. The boys equally proud sit erect upon their shiny new wheels. People eager to get rid of the extra winter storage around their middle walk frantically up one side of the street then the other. My first daffodil makes it first apperance and I rush to capture the moment for ever.

daffodil 

Walking in someone's shoes

It is said to walk in someone else's shoes gives you a better perspective and the ability to possibly understand. The gap in my writing is because I had that opportunity. Not willingly but out of my own fear I went to the emergency room Saturday. I had been not well since Friday but felt it was due to my monthly migraines that I have been living with for over a year now. I was making a quick trip through Meijers to pick up some last minute dinner items when I had a chest heaviness while walking. It left me breathless and just wanting to get out of there. I told myself if I could just get home I would be better. Wrong I actually felt worse at home the pressure increased and I was feeling disconnected. At this moment I did not like the fact that I am a cardiac nurse because my brain was telling me I know better and get to the ER. With every passing moment I was feeling worse so I gave in and had my husband drove me to the ER. I took and aspirin and got in the car.

When I was processed I was hypertensive and having some numbness in my face but that is not uncommon with my migraines. It takes a few days for the aura of my migraines to totally disappear. I was feeling embarrassed that I was there. I sent my husband home there was no reason for him to sit there and wait for answers. I am not sure if sending him home helped him any because he was upset that I was there but we had no one to watch the children and I insisted in finding out what was going on before we involved anyone. The care in the ER was good. The nurse did her best to distract me with her adventures. Then she gave me the nasty sublingal nitroglycerine. I warned her if this worked she would have to get something for my migraine because it was going to come back with vengeance. Moments later the pressure was gone the numbness was resolving but here came the headache. Some Toradol to take care of that. Why? I know from experience if nitroglycerine takes away the discomfort there is a good chance that it is cardiac related. I was right, in came the Nirogylcerin drip and the blood thinners as a precaution.

I am too young for this. I have a risk factors being overweight, diabetic, and hypertensive so no chances are being taken. I was, but then again I was not ready for the next announcement. " You are being admitted and will have a stress test in the morning." This means that I will be admitted to my floor that I work on waiting for a rule out. Talk about apprehensive. I called my husband to let him know. There was silence on the other end. He was crying, I could hear it in his voice when he attempted to answer. He kept blaming himself for causing to much stress some how. I reassured him that I am accountable for my lifestyle choices I had made. I tried to reassure him that I have risk factors and going to be okay. This is a good thing and wake up call. All he could think about was losing me and how much it hurt. His concern for me touched me and just reinsured what a great relationship we have. We have struggled through the baggage we brought into this relationship and have overcome the setbacks manufactured and not. We continue to be each others greatest support and best friend.

I was moved to a smaller unit within the hospital not the one I work on though I knew everyone because it was our interventional unit and I am one of the original nurses that opened the unit over a year ago. I only left to get off nights since a day position opened upstairs. They all treated me with great professionalism. They night just did not seem to move fast enough nor did the next morning. It was all about waiting. I went to my stress test at about 11:15am. You first spend fifteen minutes in a tunnel with only your head popping out and get resting pictures of your heart taken. I then was wheeled to a waiting area for five minutes waiting to be taken to the exercise portion. I arrived in the exercise area close to noon. The dreaded treadmill. I could only make it for 6 minutes. Heartrate is 168bpm and blood pressure 158/92. I was exhausted. Good news no chest pressure at all and I did it. Bad news there is some slight irregularities but not uncommon in women. We have to wait for the second set of pictures and the radiologist to read them. Off to take the second set of pictures. Back in the tunnel for another fifteen minutes. When all is said and done I get back to my room about 1:00pm. Now the real waiting game.

TJ comes with Patrick to wait with me at 2:30pm. He insists he is taking me home. He does not want me here and needs me at home. At about 3:40pm Kurt Crosby the PA for Dr. Friar who admitted me comes in to announce my discharge. Though there is some subtle abnormalities on the EKG they feel with confidence that my heart is okay and I can go home with a follow up with Dr Alan in a week or two. Good News!!! The reality of the experience lets us know that we are very vulnerable and can be taken at any moment. We are accountable for our health and changes will continue to be made. We had already made several changes and reinforcing them and establishing more consistency was in store. I am grateful I was given an opportunity to walk in my patients shoes for a moment. This can only make me a more compassionate Nurse and more accountable for myself. I am grateful for my husband and children's love and need for me and cherish this. It makes me appreciate those that are in my life and knowing that at moment they could be gone.

Perceptions

Our minds, what a complicated and marvelous organ we have upon our shoulders. I find it totally amazing how an event can be interperted several different ways even though the event is constant. Is the event wrong or is the perception of the minds wrong. I believe neither. What? Somebody has to be wrong. As we go through life and interact we each other we interpert our enviroment and events with our senses. These rudimentry responses are then sent to the brain and chemically analyzed. Though similar in many ways we each are very different. Our interpertation or perception of the enviroment and events around us are as different as we are. When I reflect upon my memories and current events and then in turn put them into words these are the emotional analogs of my brain. As I move away from these events in my life my brain will continue to analyze them. I know what I feel and how each event affected me.

My memories are not wrong or nether are the memories of those who shared the event. They are just percieved different and like opinons I believe we are each entitled to our memories. They are personal and can be very emotional. An good Psychologist will tell you stuffing or bury these events can be very damaging. What I choose to put in this blog about my past, present or future in a sense is my continued therapy. The difference is I chose to share it with the world because I am not afraid or ashamed of my experiences. The one thing that I know that I am very good at is writing. I find it very difficult sometimes to verbalize my thoughts and I think this is because they come so rapid my tongue can not keep up with them. Besides when I write them down. I have a chance to edit them so I can say more of what I mean then what I am feeling. This blog is not meant to shame anyone that is an emotion that is personal and I can not provoke that.

When people choose to read this blog they need to know they are reading my diary, the part of my mind that most keep hidden. I have a good life and many good memories and could spend days if not months writing about them but they too are my perceptions of the events also and I think they come out in my photography and poems which seem to be overlooked when perusing my written life. I have daily confirmation from those around me that I do have direct contact with that I am not some dark depressed woman all buried in her past. I am able to use my past as a tool to further myself into greatness and to correct any misbehavior. Needless to say What you read is what you get with me. I do not feel comfortable arguing over something I do not understand or know about so I will not waste my time. I will either educate myself and concede or vindicate my words.

Happy Thoughts

I struck a nerve in an anonymous commenter today and maybe several times before. It is at my blog about Bipolar. I recieved the loudest, fingerpointing, familiar tongue lashing I have I had in a long time. This is for you: I have never mentioned my diagnosis about bipolar ever before nor used to excuse myself and it has been twenty years. I made poor decisions and probably still do as I think all of us do at one point or another. I can say that out loud. My parenting skills could use some honing but then again I never did this before. I am a fair parent and very willing to let my kids be kids. I am very strict and nosey when it comes to what they are doing, going or who they are with. I am guilty of shouldering guilt for lack of discipline at times because of my own fear of retribution. They do not listen to, watch, eat or attend anything that has not met our approval. Yes they slip some by but then didn't we all. Patrick is doing great at school and work because I don't allow him to be labeled. I expect him to be responsible for his actions and I expect society to hold him responsible also. The bar is set at a resonable level not unacheivable. He is great kid full of compassion and care. He is polite and is willing to help stangers when they're in need. This is something I instilled in him. KC is only three. He is very smart and also very compassionate and loving. My husband is a great man forgiving, understanding and loving and willing to make sacraficies for all of us. I am proud of both of my brothers and their accomplishments and think they are lucky to have such beautiful families. I miss having my father and mother here in town somedays especially as I get older and my kids do. I worry about my father and his illness and the effects it can have on his relationship and the physical and emotional deterioation it is capable of. Sometimes knowing is not good. I am guilty for not coming forward at times and saying here I am and I want to be a part of your lives. I know what I want and I am not miserable I am the happiest I have been in years. That honest, intellectual introspection of my thoughts and feelings began 5+ years ago and continues today despite the psychoanlayzing of my blog. I left those feelings of self pity, depression, loathing where it belongs and I can talk about my past, present and future with honest conviction. It is only sad in the fact that I am sure that it is a family member that has anonymously posted this. I have heard those exact same door shuting words before and all I can say is I love you, forgive you and only hope you can do the same to me.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to me! Thirty eight years ago I made my first physical appearance. Up to then I was tucked away safely in my mothers womb waiting for the right moment to appear. I have never looked back. Actually I always felt the magic number for me is going to be forty. I am not sure why but I have been looking forward to being forty for several years now as I have dredged my way through these thirties. Two more years to go. Okay call me crazy. I have been reminiscing a lot lately about my childhood.

I was born in Petoskey, Michigan, and for those that are mathimatically challenged, in 1967. 1967 the year of the first Superbowl, oppostion to the Vietnam war increased, Muhammed Ali was arrested for refusing to do military service, riots broke out in Detroit, the first compact microwave oven for the home was introduced, "flower children" gathered in the Haight-Ahbury district in San Fransico, Rolling Stone magazine had its first publication, South African surgeon Christian Bernard performed the first open heart surgery, The Graduate was a hit at the box office, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club band by the Beatles was the Album of the year.

I hope for obvious reasons I don't remember any of this. To come to my first memories you have to fast forward into the 70's.(As they come I will type) I remember Mrs. Baker, Karen Bakers mom; my babysitter, I remember rollerskating on the weekends, I remember my father letting me order off the menu for the first time, I remember the raspberry bushes, I remember my friend Sue and jumping on her neighbors trampoline, I remember eating to many green apples and getting sick on the way to my grandparents house, I remember camping in the U.P. and taking the hinges off the bathroom doors and I'm not sure if that was my idea but it was funny at the time, I remember spending the night with my cousin Sherri and how much fun we had even though her brother was mean to me at times, I remember my Grandma Shirley making be bologna and ketchup sandwhichs and always having ice cream and cookies, I remember my first love Patrick Daniels, I remember all the Nancy Drew books I read and my Dad not believing me so he asked me who the author was and I proudly stated Carolyn Keene, I remember feeling lonely, I remember being scared, I remember not having many friends, I remember not know really why, I remember being different and having lots of unanswered questions, I remember writing at a very early age but no one really caring, I remember reaching out but to scared to follow through, I remember not being perfect or maybe what others thought was perfect, I remember busting at the seams with answers no one wanted to hear. Despite all these memories and many more I am who I am today with no more apologies or excuses because Forty here I come.

Anticipation

It is said that "Great things come to those who wait". There is a certain anticipation everyday of what is to come next. This is mostly under the disguise of our subconscious. As adults we know that time is an intrinsic part of life and the more we rush it the slower it goes. Children seem to be oblivious to the ticking of the clock unless you tell them something is coming such as Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny or when they are in the car on long trip, hence the famous "Are we there yet?". In this day of instantaneous information we crave ever second that passes. We tune in to our TV's, radios and internet to get the latest bit of gossip and tradgedy happening a half world away. Today we watch as thousands of people worldwide offer there prayers and hopes for the Pope. We are able to participate in this historical moment as if we were at the Vatican ourselves. We can not seem to tear ourselves from our sources of information because of that anticipation of missing something. We have become a world of constant business and unrest. I am not sure if I can stop wanting to know. I have become very attached to my computer and the internet. I am becoming a fan of CNN news and Fox news. So in a sense I feed this media, I give them a reason to keep coming. I am pretty sure if I stopped listening and turned the computer off the news would keep coming. I think deep inside I just want a part of it and maybe in some off beaten way this blog has allowed that. Blogging has allowed me to keep the mind open and the creative juices flowing. I hope people are able enjoy what I have to share.

Anticipation

Waiting for what with great expectation

excitement mounts as the clock ticks

Sitting on the edge of our seats

we wait with great anticipation

Is it now? Oh no.. It can not be

Really? Hurrah, show me more

Exhaustion consumes our bodies

but our minds are screaming for more

Just one more minute

I promise that will be all.

No, don't turn it off

I am going to miss the most important thing of

ALL.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Serendipity 2005

Death

A comment back on my post "What if?" referred to dignity as a moral vanity though they are entitled to their opinion, which has some religious undertones, I have mine. Words conjur up many meanings for each of us, this lovely language lent itself to the dichotomy of thoughts. I have the pleasure and the sadness of experiencing the dying first hand. I think of the man whom I had cared for several weeks who I feel had a great amount of dignity (worthiness). I held his hand and wiped his brow as he took his last breath alone with me because his wife who was disabled was unable to be there. She passed herself three weeks later but not until she let me know that I had help keep her husbands dignity. You see, I called her moments before his finally passing and laid the phone next to his ear ( he could not speak) so she could tell him how much she loved him and would be missed but she would be there soon. This broke my heart but it gave this women her peace and him his worth. Through a simple act of honoring ones worth and wishes I was able to be a part of this. I will never forget this couple and the lessons they taught me about honor, dignity and strength. These are things we carry through living but we also take to our death. From my lips to their ears.