Gas prices

I am just astounded at these gas prices like I am sure most of the country is. I just think about the trickle effect downwards and I get real nervous. It really wants me to pull out of society for a very simple life. I can walk to work or ride my bike and I do this from time to time if KC is not going to daycare. My husband can not escape gas prices his livelihood depends on it. Since beginning of summer he has been on the negative side a majority of the evenings this is including weekends. We have to eat. I have always been pretty resourceful when it came to saving money on groceries since I plan my meals. I am sure groceries will be affected; someone has to pay the gas for the food to get there. Convenience is costing us an awful lot. I understand economics but I am having a really hard time accepting the politics.

The Circle of Life

Everyday at work I see the tough decisions families have to make regarding there loved ones. I get asked a lot what would I do. I have to remind them this is a personal decision but I will answer any other questions they have. My patient the other day was a 68 year old man with progressive dementia and he is affected mostly by sundowners. This happens when the sunsets. Some elderly are profoundly affected by nighttime causing hallucinations and delusions that can become harmful to them and others. It can be very depressing and upsetting to their loved ones. Generally I find that they are much milder at home because it is a familiar environment so family has a tendency to be in denial of problems

This patient wandered from the home and was missing for over a half day. He almost died. While in our care we had to us soft restraints to keep him safe he was very impulsive and agitated. His wife and daughter were extremely upset that restraints were used especially the daughter. I spent a good hour talking to the wife about her options and what we had observed in the last 24 hours. She was saddened by the fact that the best option for her husband of 30+ years was more then likely a nursing home. I reinsured her that feelings of sadness, anger and guilt are all appropriate. The daughter on the other hand is convinced that if her mother remodeled the house it would be more accommodating and he can come home. I did have to speak up on my patients and spouses behalf. This daughter only lives here in the summer and she wasn’t even willing to stay the night with him so restraints dodo not have to be used. I gave her the same talk I gave her mother hoping for a change of mind.

She did change her mind and I was grateful for everyone’s sake. Nursing homes are not always the best option but if there is no support. Safety becomes an issue.

Thinking

I have been doing nothing but thinking and I believe sometimes this is my own sabatoge. It has been a very difficult month for me emotionally. I have seen three professionals and several non-professionsals looking for some validation for the way I feel. Despite a resounding yes over and over. I am struggling with this. I am not sure why. How is it the one that is the most psychotic blemish in society can not understand others lack of acceptance? It just blows my mind how despite constant change most people have very little flexibility or tolerance when it comes to humans. Most people will accept an upgrade in technology that supposely makes their life "easier" but unwilling to see and accept the social changes therefore limiting the positive abilities in people. There is nothing wrong with a challenge it helps us grow but the challenge must be attainable by the individual in order for them achieve benefits. Unrealistic goals and challenges further impairs ones emotional capabilities in turn reinforcing low self esteem.

I have always been a big fan of Maslows Heirarchy of Needs it is simple and just seems to be common sense. http://web.utk.edu/~gwynne/maslow.HTM I am far from being a professional psychologist, social worker or such. I am a professional. I am a nurse and I have advance critical thinking skills and training that allow me to treat my patients holilistically. I am part of larger team of people including Doctors, Social Workers, Nutritionist, Therapist, Clerical, Support, Technologist and on and on. We work together learning from one another what works. These people rely on my assessment physically, mentally, and socially of a person to support diagnosis and treatment. Despite the disrespect for my postion that I sometimes hear from complete ignorance, Nursing is a tough job and it is not all about pill pushing and babysitting. I spend long hours trying to eliminate my position through education and support. Peoples lives depend on my ability to think rationally and with their best intrest. Due to most peoples inability to accept change my job is safe and in high demand. I know for a fact I am not one of those nurses that patients ask not to come back, Peers look for me to help solve technical and nursing decicions, I am flexible and willing to take a challenge. People may talk about me but I am pretty confident it is not because of lack of skills or professionalism and I am flattered when people seek me out for help especially those that have been nursing longer then me.

I was told after two hours of psychological testing my faults are my best strengths and make me a reliable and good nurse. I have the tendancy to be extremely independent which I am trying to tone done a little. I am person with empathy for others but suffer a lower self-esteem due to my inability or willingness to let others help me. I second guess my capabilities instead of accepting them and letting them speak for themselves. I am passive-agressive a good amount of the time which I recognize and are making changes in my behavior slowly. My mind still races constantly and I have several things on my plate at any given time. I chuckled as I watched my youngest child. He can be absolutly exsaperating. His energy levels are at extreme high levels. I chuckle because he is me. I am going to find a way he can keep this spirit and thrive and not have to wait thirty eight years before he realizes he is okay and he can accept his individuality as his strengths.

Link

The bliss of silence

What is that I hear? Nothing but the tapping of my fingers on the keys. I crave these moments of stillness. I steal them away when the opportunity rises. I feel as if my walls are caving in somedays. I am suppose to be stepping out into the world not the world invading my space. I have very little time to process situations that arise when another comes down the pipes. I refuse to sit here and be a victim of circumstances. I am brainstorming or at least fantasizing peace for rejuvenation.

Walking amongst the Rainbow

Walking amongst the Rainbow


Where will this path take us?
It’s door full of color and beauty
Each step we fall in deeper amongst the rainbow
The sunshine begins to fade
And the colors begin to shine

Serendipity 2005

New Bike

Watching your child ride a new bike brings absolute joy to your heart. It is even more heartwarming to watch a father run lovingly along side his son. With each pass in front of the house KC grew more confident and pedaled faster and TJ grew tired but had a huge smile from ear to ear as if he passed an all important milestone. KC loves what most little boys love. Bikes, parks and sprinklers. Boy he is going to hate for the summer to end because he hates being cold.

Going to the park

KC's all time favorite thing to do is going to the park. Every time we pass a school or a house with playground equipment it is "KC go to park". Thankfully we have three elementary schools within walking distance. We occasionally take him to the Civic Center to ride his bike and run with wind.

Today we went to one of the elementary schools. We went Central Middle
school which is really the neighborhood elementry school. They have two divided playgrounds, one for lower grades and one for upper elementary. I like this playground because there is alot of benches to sit and watch him have the time of his life and they have a beautiful garden with flowers and vegetables. I could see a couple red tomatoes poking out through the vines, the corn was way above our heads, the bright yellow blossoms on the squash shook in the light breeze. The purple Holly Hocks made there way up the teepee of wood. KC's laughter and enjoyment made everything that much more beautiful.

Week of full moons

I have had quite a week at work. I have never seen so much drama in one location. The patients and families both contributed to the craziness. Now top this off with the biggest communication breakdown I have seen in the seven years I have been there. I just kept gravitating towards my patients that had a calming aura. It got so crazy that as I went to the clean utility room to get a blanket and asked the two aides if it has been a full moon every day and night. They just laughed but I got a bigger laugh when I came out and headed back to my room. There it was, there stood and elderly patient with the back of his gown wide open. There was my evidence. A FULL MOON.

Just have to laugh

Wow, what a whirlwind two weeks. We tapped out all our emergency funds and some during the last two weeks. On Thursday all I could do was laugh. The tears just wouldn't come. We drove our questionable safe van 180 miles to attend a funeral. We were doing great on time then the first bump came. An oversize loaded truck backed up traffic on M-37 for miles and of course it was not anywhere near a passing lane and when you could pass, traffic was heavy the other way. Bump. The second stop came with an abrupt and shrilling announcement from the back seat. "I have to go to potty, pleeeasseee." Thank God a rest stop a mile away. We pulled in and KC forgot all about potty for a moment. "It's a park, KC play". NO, we are in hurry. As we approached the toilet, KC is announcing to everyone he has to go to potty. Then he was overly concerned that there was no way to flush the toilet. Five minutes later we emerge to a new announcement. "I went potty, no flush." This brought a few chuckles from nearby picnickers. On the road again. Smooth driving until the Eastbeltline and I-96. A car accident slow us down to a crawl.

Finally we pull into Graceland. Patrick and I make a beeline inside. We are late but Chucky (cousin) gives up his seat and we are there for the last five minutes. Apologizing for our lateness I give my regards and hugs to the family. We tell Patrick we will pick him later that night he can go spend time with his family. It is now close to three and we are getting hungry. To conserve gas I decided we better stay on the NE side of GR. We head over to Alpine the long way around since there is major traffic backups on Eastbeltline. We choose the Olive Garden with some hesitation because of our busy little toddler. I promised a visit to Toys-R-Us if he behaved. That seemed to work. We are seated towards the back with one other party. Barely there KC needs to go to potty again. So off we go. He was thrilled with the ability to flush the toilet though it did scare him a little. Back to the table with the loud announcement to anyone who would listen. "I went potty and flushed". The table next to us started laughing.

Lunch comes. It was pretty good. KC is picking at his fries and chicken. Just as I was ready to take my last bite I look at KC in time to watch him spit out his chicken then proceed to vomit all over the table, himself and the floor it just kept coming. The dining area came to a dead silence and all eyes were on us and there was a few ooos,yuck. I take KC to the restroom and clean him up and change his clothes. I stood there and just laughed. What in the world is going on someone just came along and pulled the rug out from underneath us? All cleaned up we head back to the table to pay the bill. Yes another announcement. " I choked my chicken, aaack". I apologized to the rest of the patrons and staff and made our way out. I took KC to Toys-R-US as promised. We picked Patrick up a few hours later and headed home. What a sense of relief back to my sanctuary of safety. It is uphill from here.

Coming a long ways

In 1993 I sought out counseling with a physcologist in Grand Rapids. I eventually became part of a study group of people diagnosed with manic-depression or bipolar. I was given some medication to help control some of my wide mood swings and spent 2hours a week in group therapy and 1 hour with one on one. This lasted 12 weeks. The medication stabled my moods but I lost the battle with stress because I disregarded my new founded coping skills. I stop taking my medication abruptly and did not deal with my immediate responsibility.

Since then with a lot of reflecting and self imposed rules I went back on my medication and back into therapy. This was in 1994. I stayed on my medication until 1998 and worked on my coping skills. In 1999 things in my life were getting crazy I was going to school full time and working and trying hard to be mom and dad. I gave in to the craziness a begun to spiral down the difference now is I reached out. I started to go to AA. I don't believe that I am an alcholic but I do believe that I needed the support and fundamentals that AA taught me. Three months in is when I had a epipthany of sorts. It was as if someone finally released all the information that every counselor, psychologist or social worker had shared with me in remarkable clarity. I began my journey to healing. It has been a bumpy road and I still have a few things to conquer but despite these demons I think I have come a long ways.

I believe in honesty and frankness and work very hard to practice this an a daily basis. Both my husband and I do. We made some very poor decisions in our short lifes and despite society we have paid for our sins. The sad thing is we are still scrutinized with every move by few. We wish someone would give us a timeline of forgiveness. Despite this we move forward and find strength in one another. I think the big difference today compared to 5 years ago is I am more willing to listen I just want the same respect.

Why do I share this? There is lots of speculation. It is easy to assume that nothing has changed. A whole lot has changed including me. I am not perfect. I am not willing to give up my identity but I am willing to define it. I again repeat that this blog is just a glimpse of my mind. To see it written alows me to manipulate it, change it, improve it or remove it. This is my way of sharing without all the emotion tangled up in the words.

Sadness

Today is marked with some sadness but some relief. My sons grandpa passed away today. This is my ex's father. He was 77 years old. He had a good life. I know this because he told me this about 12 years ago. He said when it was his time to go he was ready. What I don't think he was ready for was the passing of his oldest son Patrick in an occupational accident, his wife to a long battle of cancer and his youngest daughter unexpectedly to a brain aneurysm. He lost his battle with cancer but now gets to be with his wife, son and daughter. He leaves here on earth a brother and sister, two daughters and two sons and several grand children and hundreds of good friends. Patrick Wooly Palmer was an honest man full of compassion and humor he will truly be missed. May God take another angel into his fold.