Satire- Shunning

(Disclaimer: Feeling frustrated with a minimal outlet)

First my apologies to to the news cast. I am not sure what channel or who we got caught up in watching for the moment or what channel. The news anchormen was drilling a guy about the Amish practice of "shunning" as a shameful way and abusive way of punishment for nonconformance to beliefs of the group. This struck me funny and I started to laugh. I turned to my husband and I said well that explains it I am Amish but the family forgot to tell me. I have a hard problem believing in Christianity and unconditional love. My family makes a mockery of it. I have no problem what so ever believing that I am Amish, Mennoite, or Jehovah witness where "shunning" is widely used as a to way separate members.

The word shunning does not just have a religious context but it does have a strong context. No matter what way you slice it it is emotional damaging and destroys. I may of not conformed to what the family feels as their values but then again maybe I have no one has bothered to ask me. They use unreliable sources that have been shown time after time unreliable and continue to believe in them. On a average I see my parents 3 times a year, my brothers maybe slightly more. That is as much as my children see them also. We are very busy people working full-time and such. What I do not understand how can someone that sees us maybe 3 times randomly throughout the year know who we are, what is going on and understand all the dynamincs that happen between the visits? They can not. Not anymore then I can know or judge what is going on in there household nor would I. I do not remember the last time anyone picked up the phone just to say hi. I know I have many times maybe not lately. I get the big lecture it is all about the children . They do not know my children. They don't call them to say hi.

I am not a perfect person. I can be loud, dramatic and very emotional. I would never shun my family because I do not agree with them. I love them and always will. The damage is done. The past was healed its the present that is festering.

Happy "ham" day

Instead of the traditional turkey dinner we went with the ham. It was filling and we all came from the table stuffed. As the end nears and I reflect back on those things that I am thankful for there is a lot of sorrow still burning in my heart. I have my husband and my two sons even though one of them is sure being disrepectful and pushy. I have a roof over my head, I have a job, I am alive. Each and everyone of these things was threatened in one way or another this last year. By far 2005 has been the most turmoil I have encountered in a long time. Let us hope and pray that 2006 brings us some relief and peace.

Sarcasm

Now I am not sure if sarcasm is something you model or something you are born with. TJ and I can be pretty quick with the wit, TJ more so then me. Well our four year old. The other day he got ready for school which now with snow consists of the whole getup. Snowpants, coat, boots mittens and hat. The whole time his Dad is getting him dressed he is asking him the standard question about if he has to go the bathrooom. KC excited to go outside of course denies any urges. They head outside early to wait for the bus. KC and TJ having fun throwing snowballs and playing in the new snow when KC makes the ANNOUNCEMENT as kids do "I peed". TJ as parents do with anguish grabbed his hand and hurried for the door since the bus was moments away. With his hand reaching for the dooorknob and fury mounting he looked down and KC grinned and said "just kidding".

Toss and turned

(For those that need the disclaimer: remember what's in my head needs to be out on the paper whether fictional or not) I have tossed and turned for the last couple nights because the behavior of two young girls just emphasize what I feel is smoke blowing up my ass as always. I am not perfect nor johnny on the spot. I do not ignore family when they are standing two feet from me. Not just ignore but make sure my whole body language is evident. Children do tell on there parents don't they? What happen to all the pretty words and psychology now? Love my ass. A bunch of hypocrites. I have never turned my back despite the radiating bullshit. Not one phone call as promised. The cycle continues and I let it. I can't no more I will die and I mean literally die. When I get emotional right now it still messes with me neurologically hence the reason I am trying to lay low. I don't know about you but being only 38 and not being able to talk or barely walk scared the hell out of me and I don't want to go there any more. I have another child to raise that I am sure that is being scrutinized and criticized. My children are my children they are safe and I have done the best the I can do raise them just as parents do. I don't tell anyone how to raise their children. No one pays my bills or walks in my shoes. This is just a typical American household trying to make ends meet and live life our lives not everyone else's.

Irony

As of recent a friend, a peer from work was called to duty. My heart just hurts for his kids. I find it so hard to watch any coverage at all now. I fear I might see him. To drive this home even more we have a friend that went over and was shot and has been home for a while now. They are, we are, just to damn young for this. It is all so surreal. I think knowing Jon and Shaun just made this war so real to me, it is not something just over there. I never thought in my short lifetime that I would be affected by something like this.

Hearts left empty on this shore

waiting for their return

Days and nights pass by

and the tears continue to burn

Children may never know

and parents never forget

the brave men and women

who fight and die for who's debt

Serendipity 2005

Back in the saddle again

Well I have completed a week of work after being off a month. What a week it was. I come back and I had a senior student to precept. A very sick patient that on the on my second twelve took a turn for the worse. I spent half of my shift stabilizing them and transferring him to CCU.
I knew I did not feel well I was living it what I did not realize is how awful I looked. People have spent all week just telling me how worried they were. Especially the day they wheeled me to the ER unable to talk. I am much better then I was but I am not 100% or sure if I will ever be again. I am not sure for the solution either. It is one of those half a dozen of one or the other. Medication that prevents the headaches from controlling me make me stupid at times. I hate this. My job requires me to think on my feet and there is time I feel I am in a time warp on these new meds but no headache.

Approved

We have been approved if we choose to move forward with the house. We have some serious decision thinking now. It will depend on if we find the house we can't live without. The house on 4 acres is still an option but it just may not be our best.

Que

Yesterday I had the distinct pleasure of paying my husbands cell phone bill. I walked into the main office only to be faced with long line. Directly in front of me there stood four women; one my age, one younger and two older. I must of made some remark because they all turned to me and said welcome in unison. The next forty five minutes, yes that is right, forty five minutes I learned more about two of these women then I thought was humanly possible standing in public. As the line progressed closer to the phones I tried to occupy myself with the phone displays but with ever beep and blip eyes were on me. (Not something I wanted after forty five minutes in line) Now this office reminds me of something.....oh yeah. The public roads. They just had thousand dollars of reconstruction but there sat a bunch of empty desk like the empty orange barrels slowing us down for no apparant reason.

Free

I have been headache free now for two days in a row, 48 hours. No pain at all in my head. It has taken a month vacation a whole medication change and several trips to the doctors. I have pain but lo and behold I have arthritis. I stopped taking my anti antiflammitories last Oct in prep for a possible surgery that has not happened. I started taking a non-narcotic pain med in combo with tylenol in its place. For the most part this held me off for ten months. The stress of the summer and everything else put my migraines on spin cycle. My head was out of control. I was having stroke like symptom migraines one after another with no relief.

Now I am an educated professional woman but I am also very cautious about diagnosing myself or reading to much into it. This does not mean I do not have any common sense. I am in the medical field and have some sense of what is going on. About a week and half ago after my GR ER visit I started to wean myself off my meds thinking one or more of them have to be the culprit. I was a desperate woman looking for any answer. I cut my hair six inches, I tried to practice my yoga breathing daily, I would meditate, pray anything for relief. Well two days before seeing the nuerologist I couldn't find the tylenol so I grabbed the Motrin. I got relief from the small headache and some stiffness. I think I am on to something.

Well the neurologist took all my pain meds away but two I got to choose. One I can take at work and one I can not. She started me on Topamax for migraine perventative therapy. I was to continue the my betablocker,antidiabetic and antilipid. My internist today addressed the rest of the issues the body stiffness and pain and the rising glucose numbers. Two more new meds and I am off. The positive is two of these new meds promote weight loss. Heaven knows I could use that.

House hunting

TJ and I have been using our three hours of freedom to house hunt. We have narrowed it down to two. I like the the one with four acres and no visible neighbors to the side of us due to woods. It is set a ways off the road. It is about twenty-twenty five minutes south of Traverse City. The other house is in Lake Ann has one half acres and a basement. Both of them have pros and cons. We go back to the mortgage guy Thursday for paperwork so we will decide then. Stay tuned.

My mother

My mother was just another toy to me. She played games...she always on the floor like she was just one of us kids. I was seven when I was taken from that. I lived with my mother that tried her darndest to teach me to be a lady and that was no easy task. I was an angry person because she was not my toy...No getting on the floor for her. Then there was a point I reached just a short time later that I just wanted a mother. I wished for my birth mother my heart cried for her. There was the women doing all the right things for the wrong person. As an adult I have two mothers but only one mother.