Car 54 where are you?

Anyone need a taxi. That is TJ's new job. Last night was his first night and he sure was excited. To be able to drive around town all night and see the hidden Traverse City. It is kind of helping his overwhelming need to be traveling. This morning as he laid in bed telling me all about his adventures the excitement in his voice was evident. I am surely proud of him considering the circumstances that led him there. With his adventures beginning I am sure there will be many stories to be told of this pandora box of a town.

Off the subject here is a picture of the beauty of nature.

Chaos within

Every few months this household will escalate to chaotic proportions. My 16 year olds disorder is getting worse and our tolerance wears thin. If you are just joining this conversation go back and refer to my previous post on Schizophrenia. It can be frustrating day in and day out even for us that know him as well as we do. He can talk in circles. His conception of time is nil. He can look at the clock and tell you what time it is but has no idea what one hour is. The other day we had company for the evening and my son had to work. As if on cue he got ready for work at two o'clock despite my insistence that he had four hours before he had to be to work. It just frustrated him not to get ready so I let him. Mistake #1. He proceed to get ready and then sit there and stare yes stare at us and our guest waiting to leave. He became agitated as time proceeded so I sent him to his room to entertain himself. Mistake #2. He was up stairs every 1/2 hour wondering if it was time to go yet.(he does have a clock in his room) So at four o'clock I asked him to go to the store three blocks away to get me a soda. You would of thought I had asked him to go across town on foot. He insited he did not have time and he was going to be late for work. With my persistence and reinsurance he would not be late he relucantly left to retrieve my soda. Mistake #3. He returned with the soda with quite a haste in his step, the paranoia had kicked in and he was sure that I had lied to him. My soda was shaken which I only realized when I opened it only to shower the kitchen and myself as my son laughed hysterically. I immediately sent him to his room in my own frustration as our gueat and my husband looked on unaware of what just happened. This is only but a moment in a day with my son. This is a small glimpse of what our days are like with him. We have him a such a routine and this is his only survial skill.

People that do not understand our son or even people that mentally impaired think we are strick and cruel. Actually I think we are very soft on my son but we are consistent. He does same thing every day and has the same responsibility every day. We do not have high expectations of him we just expect him to do his daily things without fail. When he fails to remember such as bring up laundry on Mondays or even showering more than one time his punishment consist of writing the task anywhere from 200-1000 times. It will depend on the severity of the lack of task, how many times was he reminded and did he give us problems when asked. During the previous episode I noted that my son's work shirt was filthy. I asked him to change his clothes and nicely reminded him it had been a while since he had brought his laundry up. Now this was a Saturday. It had been two weeks since he had brought his laundry up and this had been about his fifth reminder in two weeks that laundry was to be in the kitchen on Monday. Fast forward to Thursday. No laundry was brought up at the dinner table I noted that my son was donning a shirt I had not seen before. I told him I see he went through some clothes to find clean ones. At this point I asked him what he felt his punishment should be since it has now been three weeks since any of his laundry has been done. Nothing he said of course because he will remember now. No good. One thousand sentences I will bring my laundry up on Mondays. The laundry is to be in the kitchen Sunday morning and he has until Monday morning to finish the sentences.

This is my frustration as a parent of a mentally challenged child. That he will he be able to do the simple things in life. He has to have clean clothes to work. He has to be able to make simple things to eat. He has to be able remember to practice hygiene. He has to be able to shop. I have spent seven years teaching these simple basic skill to survive. He can do his own laundry unfortunately he has limited understanding of timetables therefore he is either doing it every day or not at all. I can't afford to pay the increased water bill or detergent use. He has done laundry supervised it is just easier for me to wash and dry and he fold and put away.

We approach that magic age of 18 soon, when society expects him to function as responsible adult. As a parent your time to mold your children is so limited and you can't help wonder if you did it right. But then what is right, yours or mine. My only hope is that he lives as productive life as he is capable but most importantly that he is safe from hisself and others.

Pestimist and Optimist

I have actually been accused of being too happy. I have been called smiley, happy and jolly. Despite eveyrthing that has transpired in my short life time I can still find the positive. This is quite the opposing effect that my husband has. He is the epitome of pesitmisim. I love him dearly and have to shake my head quite often, but again he is the ultimate description of how my life is. I live in the world of "Ying, Yang", "Kharma, Dharma" and "Black, White". I truly attract the opposite poles of life. My children are even complete opposites but that really is part of life. I believe that we are all innately good and due to some chemical, enviromental, emotional or social influence our lives are tumbled into their current state. The beauty of this theory is we continue to tumble, therfore we continue to envolve so there is hope even for the most diehard pestimist or doomsayer.

I know from personal experience my life has envolved on many levels. I am far from being finished and the edges are always rough. Like a sponge I absorb every molecule that permeates my enviroment. I enjoy learning new things and sharing them with others. I have also slowly learned and still am learning to not share. I do not like being thought of as a know it all. I find it very unsettling when people come to me thinking that I have the answers. What is even more unsettling is when I do have the answer. How can I describe the draining expectations that come from my brain? I truly believe ignorance can be bliss. I have many times literally bit my tongue to keep my mouth from shouting out the answer. My brain just doesn't stop wanting to know more. I have to know, I have to know. It is not gossip it is knowledge I want know. I am constantly looking for the challenge and this at most times is not a consciencous effort. I know have angered many and astounded others. If they only knew it is enjoyable going in not necessarily coming out.

Swelling beyond its means

the sponge in my head

cries for more.

How do I stop it and when is it enough?

From the simple to the complicated

From the basic to the techinical

My senses absorb it all

Compute in

Information out

Serendipity 2005

Being three

I marvel at my youngest somedays. What a life to be three. Cartoons, playing and laughing at other peoples follys. I have a very active three year old that loves to laugh and play. I wish somedays that somebody would feed me on demand, do my laundry, take me out to play, let me lie on the floor and throw a fit because I did not want a particular item even though I asked for it, hug and kiss me all over, hold me when I had a boo boo,and thought I was funny. No I am 37. When I want to eat I have to make it, the dirty clothes don't just march to the washer by themselves, playing sometimes hurts, if I threw a tatrum people use a few choice words to describe this behavior, hugs and kisses don't come that often, I am a little big to be held and that look I am getting tells me that I am not so funny. Oh just to be three again mmmmmm!

Control

People who have the need to be in control all the time is more likely because they have the fear of losing control. Yep that is me. I am better then I used to be since I realized why I have the overwhelming urge to control every aspect of my life; enviroment, relationships, decisions and anything that I may come in contact with. It is to protect myself. From what you ask?

I am protecting myself from me. I know I hear the resounding WHAT? I have been so out of control at certain times in my life that I have a stringent hold on my emotions and everything else surrounding me. I actually have panics attacks if I don't know what is going to happen. This control issue was brought up recently following a psychiatric evaluation for a surgical procedure. It is such an intrinsic part of my makeup that it makes me good at what I do for a living and helps me deal with intense situations. What it doesn't allow me to be is more of what I feel is myself. It can stifle any creativity and it caps my ihibitions. With the small part of relinquishing of control in my life I have slowly been able to emerge once in a while with projects, photography or writing. I am most happy when I am free and able to express myself without the constraints of opinion and control.

It is all about setting boundaries. This has been an ongoing project in my life now for about 5 1/2 years. I can not take credit for the catalyst that comes from the people in a twelve step program. Listening to them tell their stories only inspired me to open up and see the solution for myself. No one can do it for me. So here I am on my journey to rid myself of control, set boundaries and discover who I am.

Living inside of my head no room to stretch or grow

The thousand voices tell me what direction I must go

"That is not right you must not do it"

"Over here can't you see it"

I must not lose control of my direction

Everything has it's own section

"Hurry, Hurry come this way"

"NO, NO what did I say"

My heads exploding just as I feared

The emotions are coming now in tears

"Oh, I am so sorry to drive you crazy"

"At least you are productive and not lazy"

STOP!!!

A deep breath I take in and out slow

Giving me a moment to grow

SERENDIPITY 2005

Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia: A disorder that alters perception, inferential thinking, language and communication, behavior, affect,volition and drive, social functioning and attention. Characteristic symptoms may be both positive and negative. Positive symptoms such as delusions, hallucinations, and disorganized speech and behavior reflect an excess of normal function; negative symptoms such as flat effect, alogia and avolition reflect a loss of normal function. Taber's Cyclopedoc Medical dictionary, Editon 18. F.A. Davis Company p1721.

I have been living with Schizophrenia now for almost 6 years. I do not personally have Schizophrenia but my 16 year old son does. Five phychiatrists later I am sitting there listening to my then 14 year old son talk to the Doctor while every physcology class I ever took, and I have taken many since it is a passion of mine, is ringing in my head. The session was over and I sat there very bewildered because reality just slappped me in the face. As we left the office I purposely sent my son to the waiting room and shut the door and tearful asked the Doctor if it was paranoid shizophrenia. She nodded and said we would talk more. Shortly after this reality hit again when I saw it written on an intake paper for respite care which incidently I have never been able to use because of my overwhelming feeling of guilt and abandonment.

Living with this has been a challenge to massive porpotions. It has affected all my relationships. I am no longer with my sons father and I am currently been with a man for almost five years and we have been married for almost four. We have three year old together who has really brought out many feelings and emotions in me because I have something to match my oldest up to now. I now every child is different but basic skills are not they just learn them a slightly different times. It has even affected my relationship with my immediate family. They don't understand or don't want to understand. I heard a lot of negative remarks such as that I just do not spend any time with him or if I just read to him. Well if had been just that easy. I was and I am very involved in my sons life. I am his biggest advocate and have spent countless stressful hours trying to help him adjust and understand. I find it quite funny that I am accused of not spending time with my son where are they.

When my son had his first psychotic break I turned to who I thought I should my family and it came to all about what I was doing wrong. I have never gained their full support and actually they have become much more skeptical of me and are reserved at involving me at any level. As a previous post stated I admit my part in isolation and disinvolvement but when I did reach out there was very little there. It was only until I met my husband that I had true day to day personal support. This has been very tough for him and has strained our marriage. I am often put in the middle of very heated misunderstandings and must pull it together. I love my son because he is a part of me. I will always protect him and be his advocate. I love my husband because he makes me laugh and loves me for who I am and was willing to accept a child that was not his and tries hard to understand him.

Having support is the key to surviving mental illness. I have tons of external support which I contribute to this family unit making it this far. I won't lie and say that is all I need. I would love my family and my sons dad be a more active part of his life. Maybe it will help them understand him better and let them see this not something that I make happen but something I live with.

My son wants everything a 16 year old wants drive a car, have a job and go on dates. His hormones are normal and he looks normal. His attitude is that of a rebellious teenager. It is this charecteristics that make it difficult for most people to understand. My son is anything but normal. He does have a job and he has been on a date or two. This is because he had tremendous support from us and teachers and community. He will continue to have as close to normal life because I have invested thousand hours in research to provide the best teachers, resources and support for him. It will be hard for me to leave him here when we leave for Oregon but it is something I have to do for his sake and ours. His father and three other siblings are here in Michigan along with a majority of his family. I won't leave him empty handed I have plans in the works for him so he will be taken care of and be able to live as "normal" as possible.

Tims bobble head in his truck 

Driving Truck

About five years ago my husband and I made a friend. Just as we have grown and transformed so has our friend. He is a fellow "Dead Head" enthustiast for my husband to bond with. Almost two years ago he left Michigan and went to Colorado. Because of his free spirit so close to that of my husbands he left a hole. Recently though he has taken us across the United States via Swift. His daily calls have been a a bright spot in our days as we get the daily weather report 1000 miles away and being my husbands closest friend sharing Sirius radios "Jam On" with each other has given new excitement to their friendship. Also I know that my husband yearns greatly to travel and misses the road very much. So he travels vicariously through Tim. This fanatasy travel will have to do just for a short time longer. Sixteen months left before our adventue begins. Well here is my half attempt to honor our friend Tim and all the truck drivers out there.

ODE TO THE TRUCK DRIVER

From coast to coast their big wheels go.

Bringing us things to enjoy and love.

The truck driver goes hundread of miles

on all kinds of roads through all

kinds of weather.

Their trucks are their home day and night.

The next stop may bring a cusine delight.

They see City after City and all its hype.

But never really stop to enjoy the sight.

So hats off to the truck drivers and

their endless plight.

May the roads be clear and a vacation in sight.

SERENDIPITY 2005

Grand Traverse Bay 

Is the view of the bay worth half of the pay?

Here in Traverse City, MI there is a saying that a view of the bay is half the pay. In my profession that about holds true. I can go 100 miles from here and start out at least 5-6 dollars more an hour. According to current web listings I stand to make $14,000-18,000 more to start moving across country. Cost of living is pretty darn comparable.

My mother said what burns her the most is that living in Flordia no one owns the beachs. Try that here in Michigan. You are bound to be hung or at least cussed at for enjoying the 3288 miles of beautiful lake shores.

Living in a Ethically handicapped town

Diversity in my opinion is good. It keeps me grounded and reminds me that I am but a small speck on this awesome plant. I also believe strongly in individualism. Yes like most people I am taken back by that which I do not understand, but I am willing to accept ones individuality and opinions so unlike many I accept change with open arms. Now Traverse City don't get me wrong this is a beautiful town that offers much for tourism. Though for those that have not ventured far beyond its boundaries or those that have and are closed minded this town has very little to offer in diversity. This little city has attempted to immerse itself in big town ideas but unwilling to take on the diversity that comes with it.

Traverse City has very little ethical cuisine. No restaurant chains do not count. There is next to nothing in festivals that celebrate different cultures. I believe the museum is the only place you can immerse yourself in diversity once in awhile. Now I am sure there is some one out there that will be glad to point out all the things that are diverse in Traverse City. I consider myself averagely informed. I am employed by one of the largest employers in town. My job consist of being personal with peoples lives. I have acquaintances from every walk of life. I read all the extra magazines and papers Traverse City has to offer and I make sure to catch the local news. Despite all this contact with community and people I still hear of nothing of ethical proportions. I think the closes we get to diversity is during the National Cherry Festival that is because it comes here with fat wallets in search of the beauty this town has to offer.

These people come here and are greeted with open arms and great smiles. Bring your buisness we shout. So these people bring their buisnesses and stay for a year or two then move on to other ventures leaving a town to struggle with growing diversity it is not willing to accept. So Traverse City be proud of your beautiful out of the way location but stop hiding the truth and accept change and people for who they are and what they stand for. Allow diversity and ethical changes to make you a better place to come and live and play. If you want all this buisiness and fun of a larger community then be willing to cater to their needs and enjoy trying something new.

Almost Spring with Winnie the Pooh 

Snow day

Mother nature in all her glory has brought us a blanket of snow. Happy news for the skiers and wintersports people. Sadness for me as it reminds me that winter is still here. I just love spring to fall and miss it so much already. I spend all my time peruse the internet and books for any site of flowers, grass, and blue skys painted with the sun. Though it was sunny here today it was down right cold out. I long for the frangrance of the lilly of the valley that surrounds my house, the colors that burst out randomly every week from mid April to November, watching my son discover new bugs as the climb the blades of grass and I miss sitting on my front porch and watching the sunset on the bay.

Family

Being a nurse I deal with life and death. Being a cardiac nurse I get to experience the ulitimate life giving organ the heart. When the heart doesn't function properly it affects many organ systems. In the most recent weeks I have witnessed three unfortunate men return to their maker. These deaths make one appreciate life and family so much more. What does one do when family is not what it used to be?

As I grew up I spent alot of time doing family functions playing with cousins getting to know aunts and uncles. I am saddened by the fact that my children have not been able to experience this to the extent that my husband and I had. I believe some of it is the effort or therfore lack of on my part to involve myself at points in my life, but I feel the changing times are the greatest culprit. Families no longer live near one another because of many reasons. Families stop talking or more importantly listening to one another. People just don't know how to talk. Families today are more diverse in morals and values then ever before therfore they tend to have a lack of tolerance for these differences. So why do I move 2000+ miles away from my family?

I am moving 2000+ miles away cause all the above and more. I will miss my family. I miss them now. My morals and values are different but not really. My decisions that I have made in my short lifetime has filled me with all kinds of tolerance and understanding. My life changed over 5 years ago and it continues to grow. I don't ask for understanding or acceptance just happiness that I am moving towards what I want in life. Everyone is welcome to come along. This family here is embarking on a journey a great adventure.

Day Two

Good Morning

I am up early to begin my day at the hospital. This snow can exit any time soon and it would not hurt my feelings any. No offense to the snow lovers. I can't wait until to spring when the flowers begin to appear. They are so beautiful. The colors are raw and vibrant. I get to go around my small yard attending many new growths and take pictures to capture their beauty. Until then I will sit here and sip Chai tea and look at the pictures from years past.
Have a great day!!

New beginnings

Hello,
This is my first attempt at this so be patient. We here in the Lawrence household are preparing ourselves for a new adventure. Though it is 17 months away I know I am nervous, excited and curious and as if it is happening tommorrow. What is it you ask.......?

We are preparing for 2400 mile move. In June of 2006 TJ, KC and myself will begin the adventure of traveling from Traverse City, Michigan to a new home in Eugene, Oregon. My husband is a seasoned traveler who has never forgotten the beautiful city of Eugene and all the "kind" folks there, KC is our now three years old who actually is named after Casey Jones the Engineer in the song by the Grateful Dead, the band responsible for introducing Eugene to TJ. Then there is me a 37 year old Registered Nurse who has had plenty of life experiences but has never traveled short of family trips as a child. These trips were of the East coast and Flordia.
I do have another son, who will be almost 18 when we leave, but he has opted to stay here in Michigan near his Dad and other siblings. If after a time he decides that he wants to be by mom he is welcome at any time.

As you can imagine I am so excited about this new adventure. All the planning and the things to see. I love to take pictures. You guessed it.. I plan to use this blog to bring you all on our adventure and post pictures. I am by no means a professional photogapher. I am just a person with a digital camera that likes to point and shoot. I will post some of my past pictures and pictures as the adventure begins. I will try to stay up with this and I hope you all enjoy and welcome to Serendipitous Beginnings.