Where did all the people go?

I live in a modest size town 14,513 people. I am astounded at the new buildings that are appearing in all corners of the city. I am just as disguisted with the empty buildings in every corner of the city. What I want to know is when these projects change residential areas into more empty buildings where do all those misplaced people go. It certainly is not in the new $200,000 condo down the street. What about recycling our buildings? It would give us more open space that people want.

Loose lips

The saying "loose lips sinks the ship" is prevalent in our political arena today. President Bush and his White House staff is batting a hundred now. To think all the way from the top someone shared a little secret indiscreetly and has destroyed several peoples livelihood in doing so. Considering all the other great things going on up there on Capital Hill. Heather Miers withdraws (good for her), Ohio major republican donor Tom Noe indicted, Tom Delay and his alledged money laundering, the quick and prompt response to hurricane struck Louisiana and of course the big obvious; our young men and women dying senselessly at the hands of terriosm. He hopes for reelection? Can we recover from all this damage? I would not even think of trying to be the clean up person. Watch we will see a minority elected so they can blame their "dirty little game" on them. The government I see today is not the government I believe our forefathers had in mind. It surely was not the government they talked about in school. Do not expect people to respect the law if our own chosen leaders seem to find themselves above it all.

A chuckle

This summer I talked about kids saying the dardest things. Well here is another. Yesterday my four year old was coughing then jumping up in the air while on all fours. After several of these strange happenings I finally inquired what is going on and maybe it should stop. He looked at me with the straightest face and said "I have the hippos". (Well he sounded like a hippo jumping on the floor as he was.)

Milestones

As a parent we mark our childrens life with milestones. It starts at birth then the first smile, the first word, sitting up, rolling over, crawling and walking and on and on. I am proud to announce we have reached the going to school milestone with our youngest. He was so excited to go to school. We have had to drive him for a few days but tommorrow the bus is going to pick him up and he can not wait. He was so mad at me when I picked him up from school today he wanted to ride the bus. You tell a four year old no you have to wait when there it is and all his new friends are climbing on.

The unknown

Nothing like the unknown to bring tension. Though I have been dealing with the unknown now for about two months and I have accepted whatever may come. Being at peace with yourself and keeping the glass half full is my resolve. I have found a new passion in art. It is a risk but it is better then giving up and doing nothing. My fate is to unwind in the next two weeks and I am ready. I have reached a point in my life when everything has come into perspective. I am not angry about what has been done but what is being done. I feel I am a person of great tolerance and patience. I accept people and things for their limitations and abilities. It is frustrating that people have expectations on others. I am who I am and I am doing nothing wrong as in the perspective of living as I know how. This is not to be mistaken for perfection but taken as a process in change. I break no societal laws and contribute what is asked of me. I refused to be cloned and ask to maintain some individuality and acceptance for this. I am very respected amoung my peers and feel that this is a cross section of our area. I refuse to continue to fall into self made guilt that is fueled by the continous misunderstanding of ones perspective.

The crisp early drive

Nothing like an early morning drive. On the road at 4:30am all is dark and the crisp cold air finds its way into the layers of clothes to give me a chill. The moon dances just out of sight as we travel down the highway. The stars are sparkling behind the dark clouds. There is not many people on the road. We are making good time. Yesterday was my MRI. A week early and was I ever pleased. Though it was very uncomfortable to lie on my back for an hour but I was able to snooze a little. When I walked into the building the darkness was just on the verge of giving away to the daylight. I emerged into the bright sun as it reflected off the beautiful colors that mother nature has painted for our enjoyment.

Frustration

I think the most frustrating thing about this last month is the inability for me to convey how I physically feel. The battle I have everyday with myself. I have never just sat home and not worked. It is frustrating because I have bad days and have some really good days. Good news, is one of the test has been moved up. The important one the MRI. Maybe it will explain the pain, pressure, emotional viability and give me a start so I can be back at what I do. Take care of things. There is no sense of control when you are ill. I am a people pleaser and this is exhausting right now I need help and I don't give up that part of me easy. This is taking an emotional toll on everyone. We need a break from craziness and chaos. To many things are happening and large lack of understanding and patience are making this very difficult for me to handle appropriately. I am kind of angry I am not sure why I should be handling anything. I give so much of myself I just want a little return. I am not sure what to even ask for or how because I keep such a tight rein on myself and tasks. It just doesn't feel right to need and I am having a very difficult time adjusting. I know my husband is angry and frustrated as I am. We need some us time and it just is no where to be found. I can not even manage to take my own advise that I give my ill patients and SO's. Take some time alone with one another so you can be each others strentgh. Some way God willing this change us positively I pray.

Mother Nature

Despite Mother Natures natural process of packing things up for the winter I have been able to find a few beautiful things poking through the coat of brown and yellows. I have been unable to work so I have been taking pictures and organizing them. I have been painting pumpkins with my sons and doing all those things you wish you had a moment for.

Autumn Day

We spent the day out in the country at the pumpkin patch and at the in-laws for a fall get together. The kids had fun running up and down the aisles looking for the biggest pumpkin. KC, TJ and I decided to tackle the corn maze while Patrick chose the 20 min hayride. About 8 mins into the maze KC turned to us with frustration and exclaimed "We are Lost". He had it, so we had to deviate from the path and cheat a little to get out. Well it was more like KC did and we had to run to keep up. KC loved the rooster that kept "boc-a-oodlein' ". Patrick thought the hayride was fun though I gave him quiet the runabout for the porta john since I forgot where I had seen it. TJ and I can not wait until we can have our own little "peace" of country.

Stand still

To feel as if time stands still but zooms on by makes you ponder about your existence. To really stop and think about how small you really are but feel as if you are a big part of something greater.

Serendipity 2005

Purpose

Like the tree standing all alone in the middle of the park we each have a purpose

Serendipity 2005

Patience

I can not help but to wonder as the rose blooms amoung the thorns that my soul shall bloom amoung the turmoil.

Hurry up and wait

It seems as if I am always waiting on someone or something. As my husband puts it "Everything is a task". Since this spring I have been looking for some way to find some inner quietness. I have turned to some meditation and breathing exercise. These take a lot of discipline and some days I just cannot seem to muster enough up. Today though I am in great need of serenity and escape from my physical being. I am going to use the above picture to lose myself in the horizon and you are welcome to join me for a minute or two.

Being thankful

I am thankful every morning that my eyes open and I am able to take a deep breath. So when my dreams are shattered with the sun rise. I still can find the beauty amoungst the clouds. Somedays I feel like a musician. Some musicians in person are shy and quite and unable to say what they feel. You put a mike in front of them and their song comes forth like a rose blooming in the spring. Like them I can not always convey what is in my mind but give me the ability to pen it and manipulate it I can sing my beautiful song.

Nothing for granted

I feel I am a pretty intelligent person and pride myself in the ability to help others. I have never felt some much vulnerbility as I have recently.What is going on inside of me sure has put me at the mercy of others. Today was one of the worst days. I had ataxia so bad it brought me to tears at work. I had to walk away from something I spent years training and educating to do. I was wheeled to the ER by a concerned peer where I lost it while trying to explain what was wrong. The words would not come out which made things become worse emotionally. About all I can manage to do right now is sit here and type and be on the computer and move about in my house. I am on Ativan now which controls the tremors and decreases the stuttering. It also makes me very sleepy.(downfall at time). I have edited some more photos to share. I will let you know.

Not Myself

I have been just not myself for awhile and it is getting very old. A day has not gone by without these headaches. Now other things have started to happen. I look at things and want to say something about it but the words never make it to my lips, I was embarrassed when I forgot how to fill in the amount on check, I just stared at it and held up the line. I have now switched doctors and have an appointment with a Neurologist. I am not sure how to analyze this. I have made several attempts to work only to fall very ill before going or having to be sent home because I can not perform. This brings me to tears on most days. I am embarrassed because I have been stumbling, stuttering and forgetting routine things. Though I have found if I just minimize my activity and stay a head of the pain I am much happier and have moments of “normality”.