The lies

The lies we tell ourselves to make it day to day. I the feel biggest lie I have is not being ME all the time. I ask myself why? The only answer I come up with is fear of rejection. I have myself quite a collection of masks to wear. It all depends who I am with. My husband is probably the only one who sees me in my rawest form but then I also hide from him. My mother knows a little more but that is because our relationship is not the typical mother/daughter realtionship. My father definitely doesn't see who I am nor do my brothers, coworkers or majority of society. Each has their glimpse and opinions of who I am my values and my morals but none really know and it is frustrating especially when the undercut me and don't give me credit. In some ways I am private but in other ways I am very obvious.
There is a movie the name has escaped me at this moment but it has Susan Serandon and Goldie Hawn who in their youth were groupies and proud of it. In their adults only the character played by Goldie Hawn stayed true to herself. When she went to see her friend they each were taken back by who they were. The character played by Susan had become what society had expected of her. Though she appeared happy and was coping with life she lived a lie. She had buried her past and here it was again staring her in the face. She finally gave in and reclaimed that happiness of herself. I surely related to this movie it left me asking myself alot of questions. I watched that movie almost a year ago and it still is fresh in my mind so I know this is issues I struggle with on a daily basis. They say knowing is half the battle. The other half of this battle is a struggle, a struggle that I will continue to face and hopefully conquer. (The movie is The Bangor Sisters).

A day of Honor

Happy Memorial Day! This is a day to reflect on why we have the freedom we have and to remember the men and women who fought and are fighting for that freedom. With the war in Iraq and all the wars in the past I believe that there is not one person left that is not touched in some personal way today. I know that I will surely go about my day with the conscience effort to remember what I have and why. Thank you.

Missing in Kootenai County

Is it me or are we just being made more aware of the news? Everyday a child is missing. I think there is more and more. Being a parent of young children this ways heavily on my mind. I know there has been kindnapping for years now but it seems as if there is a daily missing child with bad outcomes. The most innocent of our society being used as pawns in someones twisted game. Up in Kootenai county Idaho they are searching a dump for two missing children who probable witnessed a heinous crime of murder. The murder of their mother, brother and mother's boyfriend. If they find these children alive what kind of life do they have to look forward to. One full of nightmares and hatred. How sad is that. I hope they find them alive because then at least there is the possibility of finding the person or persons responsible for ending the life of three, distorting the life of two and enraging the millions of people trying to have faith in the goodness of people.

Link

Slowing down

Slow is not in my vocabulary, I can not sit still for any great length of time my mind is always racing. This has become a problem because I have huge knots in my neck from muscle tension and my patience for things are wearing. I hurt my toe and was forced to slow down at work and this truly bothered me. I think I had a epiphany. The next thing that eats at me is I am unsure how to slow done. Todays society feeds into this need for speed. I know intellectually that I really need to step off this fast paced treadmill of life and walk at my speed. I am not sure if it is fear well I take that back it is fear. The fear of the unknown, the fear of rejection and the fear of losing control of my life. It is a fact that stress can facilitate disease and stress so why I want to wallow in this cesspool of doom is besides me. I do know that I am trying to make small changes though very difficult. Life can have a lot of dissapointment along with its joys.

Communication

I have found that the root of most relationship problems both professional and personal is communication or the lack of communication. I too have failed to make my needs known and have suffered greatly from this. There is two fundamental parts of communicating talking and listening. You would think talking is pretty straight forward but it is not that simple. There is those who think they talked but there lips nevered moved then there is those who don't stop talking. There are those that barely talk with a whisper then there is those that talk at a decibil that is not audible by human ears. There are those who talk in a language not understood by common man then there are those that speak with insanity. OHH to listen. Just because you are hearing noise coming from someone does not constitute as listening. There is such a thing as passive listening and active listening. Passive listening is what most of us do on a daily basis. We hear noise directed towards us, we may be able to repeat and we are not always interested. There is a lot of nodding going on. Active listening is absolute, devoted attention to the speaker, we are able to reflect what is being said and there is somewhat of an intrest in the persons words. Less nodding lot more responding.


We all at one point or another incorporate each of these traits in our daily relationships. Some people use some traits more then others. Each trait is an extreme and we must find balance to make our needs known and to hear the needs of others. We learn a lot of our communication skills from our parents. Those first words we push from our mouths mimicking that which we have heard. The joyful response that new skill illicts encourages us to continue evidence by our vocabulary double and tripiling at remarkable speed. How our parents talked to us and listened to us also influences how we talk and listen to others. We do hone these skills as we get older and we can be taught new skills along the way. I find though by adulthood most of us have settled with the traits that have given us our best returns. This is not always the best thing. I know that I have to continue to evaluate my communication skills when things breakdown and I know that when pushed to the wall I fall back to what I feel comfortable with and it is not always the right thing. No one way is right but I have found the key that transends all traits. Have RESPECT.

To spank or not to spank

In today's society we have a generation plus of unruly children and a generation of frustrated parents. With increasing legislation to control the extremist of society we have created an increasingly difficult monster. Even with the best of intentions a parent has little recourse of discipline without some repercussions. If some nosey busy body is not interferring, our children are being taught to report all physical contact. You can even get that deameaning stare for raising your voice to a child in public. Never mind that they are running down the aisle without any sense of their surroundings. You can only leave a store so many times. Eating a fajita in a cramped vehicle with a screaming child is not my idea of good dining. I am not sure if I have any quick solution. I know that I do not approve of unruly behavior and behind closed doors it does not go unpunished in our household. I recieved punishment in public if I was unruly and I survived and the police did not show up at our front door. We do though feel the constraints of society when we leave our home and feel a great amount of frustration.


I think we even get mixed messages from our own family most particularly our elders. They coddle their grandchildren and neices or nephews to a point that there is an inconsistency in discipline. Siblings never seem to agree on each others methadology of raising children. Looking in my own family tree I see differences even between my parents and their siblings. Some parents were much more tolerate of their childrens behavior differences then others. They each raised their kids in what they thought was ideal. I laughed as my younger sibling interrupted their conversation and came across a room to intercept their child in which I was already heading towards and going to lead them back. It was as if some bad influences was going to rub off if I were to lend a helping hand. Oh well their loss. They will get tired of this after a while and will welcome any help where it can be found. We should be on a united front not a divide one Maybe some day we can acheive this not only in our personal realm but our public one also.

Narcissim

I went to a nursing seminar this last week about Evidence and Ethics, Empowering Nurses in 2005. What struck me the most was the 2nd half of the first guest speaker Melissa A Fitzpatrick RN, MSN,FAAN. The topic was about "toxic" work enviroment. I was especially brought to attention about the narcissitic personalities. That sure hit home, not so much in my work enviroment as in my personal life. As the speaker started to describe what the traits of a narcissitic person was I sat there and nodded my head in agreement as a picture slowly unfolded. She was talking about my father and his seedlings, my brothers. Wow, has that been the problem all along. Here I was conforting this head on blaming myself for my inability to see good in myself when my entire thirty eight years I have not recieved one positive feedback item from these male patriach figures in my family, never. I am pretty sure of it. When I sat and started to think about it so I could write this down with the best of my ability and with honesty, there was no time in my life. I have had many accomplishments big and small. Why don't they see this?
Now I love these men of my family but (here It comes) I just do not care any more. I have said my peace. I am a strong independent women who is proud of her accomplishments in life and despite popular opinion I deserve what I have sowed good and bad. I am about to start another journey in life and these days I am preparing with confidence and honesty.

Motherhood

I entered motherhood approximately 16 1/2 years ago and blessed again approximately 3 1/2 years ago. It can have its heartbreaks and it has lots of joy. To know that I was able to give life to 2 healthy boys is remarkable process.

To be a mother oh what joys

to bring forth two healthy boys

One was quiet and full of love

the other loud and busy

One was shy and spent time alone

the other always in a tizzy

To watch them grow big and tall

is a mothers pride, joy and all

Serendipity 2005

Cranky

I am very cranky today. I am not feeling well and I have three year old that is using me as a chair, kissing toy and an experiment in absolute noise tolerance. Though I did get a giggle when this morning he brought out his Compu Kidz laptop and sat up camp right next to me. Though one can only take "HELLO", Start Music play" so many times. He can be just darling as he mimicks my typing except his typing annouces every letter with a very annoying computer generated voice. He has a remarkable memory. He is able to remember what letter the picture was under if I call them out. So through my crankiness and tiredness we have spent the day reviewing the letters of the alphabet and our numbers 0-9. So despite the lack of housework that did not get done we know that L is for Leg and Letter and silly songs are fun to dance to.

Coming out of the fog

I haven't posted a couple days because I have been fighting Migraines and sinus congestion. You got to love this change of weather. I have also had a very sobering reality. My eldest son has been physically ill for about a month. He is generally the healthiest when it comes to physical illness. He has a had a ten plus weight loss and stomach pains and vomiting. It was one thing when I was concerned but I was put into emtional overdrive when I recieved a phone call from his job coach saying that his job is concerned for his well being. I immeadiately reacted and got him straight in to the Psychiatrist and Doctor. A medication adjustment and a gastric medicine added and prayers I am hoping for improvment. He is very obsessed about his weight since he had been teased for so long and he has valid issues in his personal life eating away at him. The best thing from this is I think he finally realizes how much I love him and care about his well being because he was thankful for my attention to his needs and said so several times. I also think I finally have reached my point of greatest needed. I truly reached out to his case manager and asked for support. I find it very difficult to talk about how much I am concerned about Patrick without bringing in the tears. With Mothers day approaching my heart surely has felt the mothers love that experience only knows.

One Gloved "Blunder"

I can not believe, but then I can that that the best news out there is about Micheal Jackson. Every where I turn there is mention of his trial. What has come of Terry Shiavos family? What about Jessica Lundsford family? That is news that impacts laws and our lives continously. Micheal Jackson made some pretty "sensational" decisions that are being publized like crazy. What about the Men and women dying daily and I still do not know for what? The economy is in a state of uneasiness and people are concerned why one of Micheal Jacksons attorney was dismassed. I want to know why I am paying $2.32 for a gallon of gas not what immoral decision if any Micheal Jackson has made? It is obvious Hollywood has great influence on the nation. Tell me can they influence worthy causes and not let ball drop until change has happened?